Not my child.

With ideas and suggestions completely exhausted regarding the behaviour of my stepdaughter, I have, as a last resolution resorted to a process called Disengaging. This modus operandi is where I no longer take responsibility for her. Anything she wants or needs while she is with us, means having to ask her daddy. My husband and I have talked in length whether this course of action will actually work but it seems it is the only solution we have come up with as there is no explanation for her behaviour. If there is some way to uncover the cause which explains why his daughter has taken this attitude towards me, then we would know how to deal with it, but there isn't so we can't. It is simply a case of we'll try anything.

Disengaging.

What I am told to remember is my husband is not a mother and never has been. He has little knowledge of what it takes to be a mother as his interests are more focused towards football, accomplishments and bringing home the bacon. He is a man and his components for life differ greatly to mine. I am more interested in keeping the house clean, thoughtfulness and appreciation so I suppose in short, social skills and motherly duties.

I automatically assumed I could extended my motherly duties to include my stepdaughter but my problem is I do not have the maternal bond with her thus preventing my having the moral authority to parent her, only my husband can give me this authority, it has nothing to do with my stepdaughters mother. Having support from my husband is not simply the emotional crutch he provides but his permission to allow me to parent his child. My husband is happy for me to take on the motherly role for his daughter as he clearly is unable to offer the parenting skills that I already own.

I find it frustrating that my husband can be watching the television and does not notice our daughter removing her nappy and emptying the contents out onto the carpet right in front of him. He doesn't see it because he has never had too. There has always been a woman in his life who takes care of these sorts of things. So my husband continues to be the parent he always has been believing his daughter is perfectly fine. My stepdaughter behaves the way she does towards me because her father allows her too so by not stopping it, he is giving her the authority to continue and the more authority he gives the greater she remains in control. Therefore by handing the parental authority back to my husband, his daughter looses her control. In order to successfully disengage, I have to accept some realities.

1. My stepdaughter is not my child.
2.I am not responsible for the way she was raised.
3.I am not responsible for the kind of person she is.
4.I am not responsible for the kind of person she becomes.
5.I am not obliged to become an abused member of my family just because I married her daddy.
6.The responsibility for raising my stepdaughter is not mine it belongs to my husband.
7.My husband is not a mother and he is not going to raise his daughter the same way I raise my children.

So in short, I should immediately end trying to parent my stepdaughter and allow my husband to make whatever mistakes he makes. I know this is going to be difficult as my husband helps me raise my children, but we have little problems from them.
I have contacted my Health visitor and on her advise, have spoken to the Headmistress of my stepdaughters school. I need to know if she is introverted at school and does she mix well. Does the headmistress have any indications signalling my stepdaughter's unhappiness? The response was, to my dismay, no, she is a happy child who joins in with classroom discussions which make her a valuable member of the group. I wasn't disappointed my stepdaughter wasn't happy; I was disappointed she was a normal happy child which meant the problem still resided with me. If the headmistress had disclosed that yes, my stepdaughter was quiet, often alone in the playground, then sad as it would be, the problems I was experiencing were not solely directed at me, so there would be a valid reason. I hoped for a small shred of evidence indicating her behaviour is not exclusive to me. But I'm afraid to say it is.

I get so irritated when my stepdaughter blatantly ignores me, I do with my own children, but when she wants to be fed, or wants to know where her daddy is she will ask me. So I tell her as she chooses to ignore me most of the time, and only talks to me when she needs something, in future, she must go and ask her Daddy. I will no longer perform menial tasks including, making her bed or unpacking and packing her suitcase when she arrives. When I prepare a family meal however, I will include her as there are some things I will not expect my husband to separate from the rest of the family, I know how that feels.

Our objective is to make her, alongside my own children who can also forget how much mum does for them, realise that I actually do an awful lot for her, so by withdrawing my services and disengaging, she will see how much she is missing, fantastic. Wrong! I have offered my stepdaughter the open invitation not to talk to me at all and above all of this I have given her the permission to do it. Putting this new agenda into practice is harder than it seems as I am finding virtually impossible to uphold as I naturally do lots for the children so to segregate one family member is very awkward. I feel uncomfortable handing the responsibility of his child over to my husband, because it’s my job as a wife and mother to take care of the children and running of the home. It is having the ability to accept she is not my child so I am not responsible for her. I have had little to do with her previous upbringing so I am not responsible for her future upbringing. Clearly, although I continually support my husband when his daughter is in our home, there are rules and guidelines the children are expected to adhere to so I can not help what she has become and I can not help how she turns out.

If she chooses to accommodate me on how I raise my children and follow suit then great, but I cannot force my views on her. Raising her is not my responsibility as she is not my child. She already has two parents that are doing that. I can be involved and support my husband when my stepdaughter is here, but she has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t have to do what I say. I am not her mother but it is unfair that she treats me with such contempt, just because I married her daddy. I have had fortnightly visits from my Health Visitor who has been a massive help, offering much needed support, encouragement and guiding me towards professional people who will be happy to help. My husband has eventually put forward his views and opinions to her regarding his daughter and has expressed his concern to how unhealthy this whole episode has become. He is in the middle of a no-win situation.

My Health visitor has collected piles of information for myself, my husband and my stepdaughter to try and find a solution to this problem, but why does it appear that I seem to be the only one who is trying to find help and solutions? My stepdaughter is not my child.

Diary entry:

September 15th 2004

Health visitor came to drop off the information she collected. There is a good booklet for your daughter to draw her family and who she feels are important in her life. The Health visitor made herself available for you to see her before you went to work. I told you about this, but you seemed to not worry about it. Other things on your mind. Work no doubt. It seems to me that after this weekend went ok, this problem is not an issue any longer. All I can say is if I have a bad weekend this week, then I shall have to tell you to talk to the health visitor and your daughter or I'm leaving. I bet you wont even go through the parents booklet with your daughter. You will have forgotten all about it. You weren't even interested in the information she brought for us. That says alot!

Decisions

Each day brings with it new challenges. The sharing debate isn't quite so much of an issue now as it was to begin with. My daughter, because this is her home, has a beautiful bedroom full of wonderful things. She has a portable television, play station, CD player amongst a multitude of books. There are cans of body sprays offering every conceivable fragrance and posters on her wall of the latest pre-teen hunk that happens to be flavour of the month. Her things are out on display; it is her room, her own space so if she chooses to be in her room alone then it's her choice.

If she is away from home, visiting friends of her daddy when my step daughter visits, then her room becomes a no go zone. This causes many disagreements between myself and my husband at times as he quite rightly argues that as his daughter doesn’t have a television or play station in her room so she should be able to wander freely into my daughters room and use anything she pleases. I have explained to my husband this is my daughter’s home, her room, and the four year age gap between the two girls means some things are not suitable for my stepdaughter to play with. My daughter is quite particular about some things. There are many precious trinkets on display both friends and family have given to my daughter and I would be devastated for her if anything was broken. In the past I have never allowed my own children to invade each other’s space even if it caused World War three, so I'm not
showing favouritism over my stepdaughter towards my own daughter. It may seem unfair but my stepdaughter has her own bedroom at her own home with her mummy, after all she is only here one night a week.

Nevertheless, they do play with their dolls in her room and my daughter will share absolutely anything when they are playing together. I believe at the age of ten she needs to share the understanding that some things are personal to her and she should be well within her rights to have a say and allow my stepdaughter to use her things or not. This arrangement is not exclusive to my own daughter . If my stepdaughter wishes to be alone, her requests are considered and respected too. When she has returned to her mummy, if my own daughter wishes to play with an item that belongs to my stepdaughter, the same rule applies.

I feel its polite to ask and each child learns to respect and care for something that doesn't belong to them. Until she is able to ask my stepdaughter if she can play with something, her room is a no go zone to my daughter also. We don't allow them absolute control as not allowing the use of a pen just because they don't feel like sharing it is not acceptable and I will intervene.

We have many items that are kept in a neutral area and shared by both of our children so there are no arguments over this. Needless to say, after spending an absolute fortune on posters for my stepdaughters wall, pens, paper, books and stickers for her to use in her own room, she never spends any time in there playing. Even when my daughter is not here, my stepdaughter will sit alongside her daddy and watch the television. But perhaps she is spending quality time with him and simply being near him is enough for her whatever he is watching. She has little initiative to play alone when she is without my daughter to entertain her. Perhaps all that time in Nursery and after school clubs, having activities set out, things to play with, and being told what to do, its not surprising that she has no imagination or incentive to play on her own. We have never had the luxury of receiving my stepdaughter's first school report from my husbands ex wife which may give us some insight to how she plays at school or interacts with other children.

I don't love my stepdaughter. It has nothing to do with how she treats me, even when I first entered her life, I thought she was an absolute sweetie and was extremely fond of her, but I didn't love her. I feel guilty purely because my husband says he loves my children. Perhaps it’s my motherly instinct preventing me from loving her, but why should I she's not mine, I never gave birth to her so the natural bond is not there. If i am expected to love her, should I be expected to love every child that doesn't belong to me, my friend’s children, my daughter’s friends from school? At this moment in time, I don't really know how I feel towards her except that I am very sad.

Monday 8th August


We had yet another “discussion” about the rights and wrongs of my daughter's things and her room and what affect it is having on your daughter. You threw at me, once again, about the setting up of the room for my son when he comes. I have said I am more than happy to get it ready for your daughter but you have said on more than one occasion, not to bother. So today I’ve set it for your daughter. Wiped all traces of my Son just so she has somewhere to go when she’s here. It means nothing to you that I don’t put his things out especially for my son, I do it for me. Its somewhere for me to go when he’s not here.

But hey, looks as though my feelings don’t matter. It seems that my son is expected to give up his bedroom even if he's been sleeping in there for a week as you have a problem with your daughter loosing her room when she is here for one night so I’ll just not have my son to stay or arrange his visit to not interfere when your daughter is here. We can’t expect your daughter to give up her room. She doesn’t understand! Yes she does understand as we have explained that her room is also used for my son when he visits and she even made a sign for the door for him. I need him to feel he has a room here too just like your daughter but it becomes so one sided. I'll just go visit him at least it will give me a break and you the quality time you so miss with your daughter. Will she play in her room? No I doubt it. What will she do alone with you? Watch motorsport no doubt.

Incidentally, your daughter understands that she must use the toilet next to her room and not the upstairs one so as not to wake the baby so why can she not understand at times my daughter doesn’t want her in her room?
From now on I’ll just ask you what to do or buy for your daughter. That way I’ll be getting it right and you cant blame me for anything.

When I became pregnant with our first child my husband and I share, we told our children, my son, my daughter and my husband’s daughter. Everything was fine and they were all excited once again with the prospect of having a new sister. My husbands ex wife however, asked why we had withheld our news from her. She had told my husband when she herself became pregnant three months earlier, his response, "so?" When she queried why he hadn't said anything to her, he politely told her it was absolutely none of her business.

The same inquisitive questioning came when my husband asked if he would be able to collect his daughter on Friday the next weekend as we were getting married. Apparently, my husband said, her face hit the floor. He said she genuinely looked upset and asked what time and where it would be taking place. I find this need to know our affairs quite annoying, along with wondering if she was going to arrive unannounced on our wedding day. I have no interest whatsoever in my ex husbands plans or life so naturally I never enquire, so I fail to comprehend my husband's ex's interest in ours. Emotionally detached? Perhaps not.

I went into labour with my 2nd daughter Good Friday, delivering her Saturday, discharged and allowed home Sunday. Naturally my husband put off his daughters visit but on my homecoming I couldn't cope with my stepdaughter being part of it. Horrible, how could I? I know, but she is being so cruel with her ability to isolate me from my family, there is absolutely no way she is going to spoil this for me. I can see how sad my husband is by all of this. She is his daughter and she will be missing out on her sibling’s homecoming, and not visiting her daddy on her usual Sunday.
He is trying to keep his emotions from me, but I know him. My daughter is here, obviously but I need to remember this special moment untainted and unspoilt, so having his daughter not visit this weekend is my only option. We can settle in quietly and share our special moment together, my husband, my daughter, myself and our beautiful baby girl. My husband will arrange an earlier visit for his daughter during the week. Once again his ex wife has questioned our decision. She has a knack of expecting to alter our weekends to suit herself when she has plans or arrangements, but when my husband changes the routine, all hell breaks loose.

It can become very frustrating to have our weekends changed for three consecutive weeks, causing my husband to not see his daughter, then be expected to collect her early Saturday dinnertime because my husband's ex's partner has an appointment somewhere! Convenient babysitter springs to mind, but my husband accepts because he simply wants to see his child. In the beginning, the arrangement between my husband and his ex wife was fairly flexible. If a day needed to be changed, then days would be swapped to accommodate. But she began to change this.

If my husband asked for a day to be swapped, for example, to collect his daughter Friday instead of Saturday, for the next six or seven weeks, she would ask for numerous day swaps in return. This began to interfere with any plans we had arranged and we either had to change or cancel them, all for swapping one day. So in the end we stopped asking which meant many plans that could potentially involve his daughter, family gatherings etc, unfortunately my stepdaughter would not be part of. This way we know where we are with days, arrangements and plans so we can try to keep my stepdaughter a fairly organised routine. I feel it is important for children to have some sort of routine as it gives them a sense of security and lets face it, they need to feel secure especially after the break up of their family. His ex wife continues to dominate our weekends though with party invites or trips to the local park their daughter, his ex says, simply doesn't want to miss. Why can’t she share the attitude that I have? As my stepdaughter is only here for one day, if it were my child, I would encourage her to spend the day with her father, or discreetly talk to my husband without letting on to their daughter about parties and park visits, and have him make the decision. But my stepdaughter is not my child and her mother seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to give a child so young the choice.

The disruptive weekend changing that injured my husband the most was his birthday weekend. His ex wife must have known when his birthday is but she accepted a party on his behalf yet again, which would mean a fifteen-mile trip there and back to drop his daughter. Our plans for going out to lunch as a family will have to be changed and his ex informs him that their daughter desperately wants to go to the party. My husband decides that as he has no intentions of spoiling our weekend, her mother can take her to the party leaving him to sacrifice another day as he will not be expected to change yet another weekends plans to suit his ex wife. The saddest thing is that his ex wife conveniently forgot to mention to my stepdaughter that it was her daddy's birthday or suggest he may be doing something special. The following weekend when I mentioned she had missed her daddy's birthday, she looked visibly upset and I really can't say that I didn't blame her.

Diary entry:

Wednesday 9th Nov 2005

Haven't had your daughter for three weeks. Her mother has repeatedly made plans for her and a she has yet another party this weekend. I think you pissed her off by telling her as it was your birthday weekend and you had plans that you weren't going to change because she had said yes to a birthday party, she could ferry her daughter there and back. She called you a big baby. That must be the only thing she can think of.

I do feel though that she says your daughter needs to see you when your ex wife decides she needs to see you. I'm fed up with being left in the air or having her dictate our weekends again. This woman is power hungry control freak.
Nevertheless, she needs to understand that she is NOT in control. I know you want to see your daughter, but by letting your ex wife decide when she comes, puts her continually in control of our lives. Other than that, tell her that if Saturday to Sunday is not convenient, then we are more than happy to swap to Friday night till Saturday on a permanent basis. Lets see how things pan out.


Having children has certainly dictated or caused havoc to any social life we once had. Gone are the days where a last minute decision to paint the town red become overshadowed with the realisation that babysitters are not always to hand for such last minute decisions, they may not be available. It is having to rely on a babysitter that reality sets in so we rarely enjoy an evening out just the two of us. The nearest we get to a romantic dinner for two at an intimate French restaurant becomes the not so romantic dinner for, "two adults, two children please," at the local pizza hut. Our wedding anniversary was no exception. Having our young baby daughter in tow, we arranged to go out for a meal at the local carvery. We decided to eat Sunday lunchtime so we would be able to include my stepdaughter. A few weeks prior to this, my husband received the now all to common excuse that his daughter didn’t want to come, so it was going to be nice for my husband to have his daughter involved in our special day.

When she arrived on Saturday evening, she was clearly suffering with a very nasty cough and cold, and by Sunday I was wondering whether we should cancel our long awaited plans as she still seemed quite poorly. She told her daddy she had been feeling really unwell all week but due to mummy having to work, there was no option but for her to attend school. We decided to go ahead with our lunch plans but it wasn't very enjoyable. My stepdaughter sat at the table wearing a thick padded coat throughout dinner and barely eating anything, so my husband decided we should forget pudding and make for home. End of our nice day, but both myself and my husband agreed that his daughter should really be at home.

Once we arrived home all my stepdaughter wanted to do was sleep so I suggested perhaps she would feel more comfortable and settled back at home with her mummy. I didn’t want her to fall to sleep here and then have to wake her so her daddy could take her home. Perhaps it was for the best he cut short his daughters visit and take her home. He telephoned his ex wife to inform her of his decision but she was not at home. Instead my husband spoke to her partner who informed him her partner she had been out for the day and wasn‘t due back anytime soon. With that my husband informed him that either way he would be bringing his daughter back because he genuinely believed the best place for her was with her mum. Once he arrived at his ex wife’s house, her partner answered the door with a paintbrush in his hand. “I don’t know what I’m expected to do with her until her mum gets home.”
“Make her feel more comfortable would be a start.”

What is suddenly becoming clear is my husband’s ex wife had plans of her own this particular Sunday, and by having to look after her daughter because she was poorly, meant having to cancel them, so instead, she relied on her ex husband, after all it is his designated weekend with his daughter isn’t it? Convenient babysitter springs to mind but it is not a term I like to use, after all, my husband has a child and he will always be a daddy before he is a babysitter. But due to the erratic weekend arrangements concerning my stepdaughter, I cannot help but feel my husband has been used. I know for some working parents, they are forced into an impossible decision between working or looking after sick children but surly a child’s health takes precedence over a job?

I am fortunate and thankful I don’t have these decisions to make. If my child is ill, I am immediately on hand to care for them. I am not forced into arduous choices. But then we are dealing with a woman who sends her daughter back to nursery, a week after she has been discharged from hospital with pneumonia. Perhaps my views are biased.

Our daughters first birthday falls on Mothering Sunday this weekend and once again, I don’t want my stepdaughter to visit. Mothering Sunday is a time when children pay respect to their mothers, a day for giving thanks for all the things our mothers do for us.
I am trying to convince myself that s I am not my stepdaughter’s mother, she should spend the day with her own mum, it’s only right. I cannot put my feelings to one side to accommodate my stepdaughter’s feelings and think how she will feel missing her siblings first birthday, but it is a very special event that I wish to remember fondly and not how my stepdaughter has ruined it because she chooses to ignore me once again. She knows it’s my daughters first birthday even though we haven’t mentioned any particular plans, my stepdaughter has asked what are we arranging. I’m sure her mother has passed comment as my daughter shares the same birth date of a very dear friend of my husband and his ex. In fact when our daughter was born, my husband telephoned his friend to inform him of our news and my husband distinctly heard his ex wife in the background. She and her daughter had dropped in and given him a card. Yes I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting her with us, but with the absence of my own son on mother’s day, it is hard enough for me to cope without him so once again I feel sad for my husband and his ability to put my feelings first. I am certainly living up to the part of the wicked stepmother!

I am tired of always thinking that I must do the best for my stepdaughter., but as an adult, it is my job, otherwise she will grow up with issues and problems! I know children are resilient and often come through bumps and scrapes (with the right guidance) and I always try to do the best for my children which automatically includes my stepdaughter. But having to accept the responsibility that if my children are constantly exposed to battling parents, then they will be affected and take their own emotional scars through to their adult life.

It seems so unfair that my husband ignores her behaviour deeming it acceptable for my stepdaughter to ignore, shout and abuse me because she is a child but what about consideration for my feelings as a human being, a person, her stepmother? What about my feelings? Why should I allow her to treat me the way she does and say or do nothing, just to make sure she has a stable upbringing? She is not my child and I am
not responsible for her, her mother has made that perfectly clear.

This is why I feel my behaviour towards my stepdaughter is not just an excuse and I know that this may seem unkind and unfair, but I need to concentrate on my husband, my children and myself. If my husbands daughter refuses to be part of this family because she is merely visiting daddy or is influenced by other people or perhaps she really is a rude child that has no respect for me, which deep down I refuse to believe, then I will not suffer. I am not responsible for her unhappiness. She and anyone that fills her head with rubbish brought on by their own insecurities are the responsible ones. I can live with that. (I hope!)

New start More problems!

Moving from my husband’s house was always a priority. We wanted a home for us both. Not because living in his and his ex wife's house ever bothered me, she had never added a feminine touch to it, but with three children between us at the time, we needed something bigger to accommodate our growing family. My daughter and step daughter picked their bedrooms and we were lucky to have a fourth room to use as a study.

Shortly after I fell pregnant and it was a relief to know that room was not going to be an issue. We had the extra room, albeit the designated study, but it was slightly smaller than the other bedrooms so, after great deliberation, we decided that we had to prioritise the people that were in our home seven days of the week. The decision is the new baby will use the bedroom that is currently used by my stepdaughter. She will then move to the designated study, after all, my stepdaughter is only here one night a week and we didn't think it was fair that the bigger room was used as a permanent bedroom for someone to use it for such a small amount time.

Even though my stepdaughter is now sleeping in the smaller study room, on the days she is here, I set it up as her bedroom. I place fluffy cushions on her bed she has a trendy rug on the floor, pink bedding a box full of toys and a few pictures of her with her daddy on a bedside cabinet. These items are easily packed away and returned to its study/spare room state as my son uses it when he visits. Again I change bedcovers to suit him and scatter pictures around the room of him on his bike. I often bring out little mementoes he had in his old bedroom. It gives me nice memories.

My stepdaughter has her own space and is still surrounded by her familiar things and she is unaware that everything is tidied away after she has left, after all, she is returning home where she has a bedroom all of the time. She will arrive the following week with a bedroom exactly as she had left it the previous week. We did hear along the family grape vine, as they had decided amongst themselves, it was thought to be very unfair that my stepdaughter had lost her bedroom to make way for the arrival of the baby. She hasn't lost anything. We sat her down and explained exactly what and why it was happening.

In our three-story home, our bedroom and the study/stepdaughter's room are both on the middle floor, which she thought would be an absolute hoot not only to be close to daddy but she gets to share his en suite too! She seems perfectly happy with the arrangement, what business is it of anyone else what the sleeping arrangements are in our own home? We later discover that grandma, my husbands estranged mother, has set up her own spare room for my stepdaughter so she has a room there also. I do wonder what a waste that must be. She only sees her granddaughter a few times a year. What a waste of a room, but then who am I to comment? Is this another dig in our direction?

When my stepdaughter is not here, I feel so sorry for her. The constant back and forth between school and different after school carers. We can provide her with stability if her mother would allow it, but this has been my stepdaughter's routine for so long I suppose she doesn’t really know any different. The last thing we would want to do is upset her routine, but we wish we could share a bigger part of her life rather than negotiating before and after school care.

I don’t like her when she is here however. Not because of her as a child, but how she makes me feel and how my home seems to be completely turned upside down to accommodate her on her arrival. I have never in my entire life ever felt this way toward a child, any child because no child I have encountered has ever made me feel useless and that I have a problem. I am beginning to question my self worth all of the time. There are times when I wish it could just be myself, my husband and my children without my step daughter, but I came into this relationship knowing he has a child and it has never been my intention to take her daddy away from her. Never.

I did mistakenly assume things would be rosy and I could parent my stepdaughter. It has been a rather large bump landing back on earth again! My thoughts of sometimes wishing she didn't exist is are not brought about from any insensitive characteristics I may have, I truly yearn for a happy stress free life following a disastrous previous marriage. It is the problem free thoughts, apart from our own annoying little habits, not the thought of having her absent from my life. She was here before I was.

Diary entry:

August 3rd 2005

It’s so hard for me coping with my emotions regarding my son, so the added upset with your daughter is getting too much for me, and when things are in full swing, I miss him even more and long for it to be my children and I again. No worries to deal with, just us being happy. I’d like to think I have taken your criticisms of my son on the chin, I just wish you could do the same regarding your daughter, but your pain and guilt get the better of you.

Its only Wednesday and I’m beginning to feel sick about your daughter coming. I really thought we’d turned a corner but it looks like we’re back to how it was. I love you more than words can say, you are my life and the best thing that has happened to me, but I sometimes feel the cracks are starting to show. Your daughter is, and always will be, a closed topic!!
You tell me you love me all the time. You have been to the doctors and the diagnosis, you feel, may have been brought on by being run down. What with work and the problems.

You ask me if I’m happy. I am yes, but I feel that we haven’t had too many good times lately to compensate all the shit that comes our way.

Why do you not see my troubles with your daughter as an issue? I think you just ignore them and hope they go away. Well I don’t think they will.

September 12th 2005

We spoke in length about your daughter and how she makes me feel. You were really good and understanding, even when I told you I didn't want to be here anymore.
The weekend went ok. I had a small incident where she opened her door, then closed it quickly when she saw me. She was going to a fancy dress party so I got her dressed up. She was fine with me whilst doing this. You commented how well the weekend went. I hope this doesn't mean that everything that has been said can now be brushed under the carpet. I still don't know if I can cope with the times when she does come and ignores me. Those are more frequent than the nice times.


I do try to put things into perspective and imagine how my stepdaughter is feeling. It must be terrible having to adjust and then be expected to without fuss or drama. One minute having two parent figures to nurture and teach her right from wrong and then the next, four. Two of them, her parents and the other two that aren't, but who will have a completely different way of raising and parenting all together. One set of rules at mummy's and another at daddy's. The kindest approach would for her to be at one parent all of the time so at least she will have some stability in her life without the constant weekend upheaval, but then this is the only solution for her to see both of her parents at some point in the week.

This is why the whole stepfamily/blended family situation makes me so sad and angry, yet I have subjected my own children to the same disruption. My stepdaughter is not experiencing a normal family life much like my own children now. My own daughter sees little of her father. He is a workaholic and, in my opinion, his children have to fit in around him. As a mother, I know I am expected to alter my lifestyle to accommodate my children until they no longer dependants. Nevertheless, I do feel my daughter is in a stable environment. She has my husband and myself seven days a week. She knows her boundaries so can be relaxed and herself. She doesn't have to experience packing an overnight bag every week or having some things at our house and some things at her fathers but this doesn't mean she doesn't miss her daddy.

At least my husbands daughter has a bedroom here, her own space and personal effects something my own daughter does not have at her fathers. My daughter knows this is her home, a place she feels safe and comfortable in. Her father’s house is not her home. How can it be? She spends so little time there.

I find the whole stepmother thing very hard to deal with. This is all new to me too, having my children following my example and then my husband’s child doing something completely different. She is always at the forefront of my thoughts. My own children, sometimes left out because they seem adjusted to their new family way of life, but there are many times that I feel I am also forgotten ,simply because I am an adult who is expected to cope with ever changing situations. As a wife and mother, I should know what motherly tasks are expected of me and how to put them into practice. I should know how to be a parent, I am a mother so should know what I am doing. I have been expected to adjust to this; my husband however has little to adjust too, although I am sure he would disagree. He continues to go to work, come home, eat his meal and the children have been fed bathed and put to bed. It seems he is taking on the position that of his previous marriage. Man goes to work, has little interaction with the children, man goes to bed. I sometimes ask myself if my husband thinks I am to blame in some way for his daughter’s behaviour. After all, when it was he, his ex wife and their daughter, things were ok; their daughter was a happy contented child who rarely misbehaved. Now she has become rude and arrogant therefore the problem must be me and definitely not his daughter because she continues to put on her charade when in the company of daddy.

It is hard for my husband, after every weekend, to hear me nit-picking how bad the weekend has been.
There is nothing he can do and all he hears is constant complaining from me about his daughter and how badly I am being treated. It is true, that because I am already a mother, I should be able to contend with anything but before, when it was my ex husband and our children, I knew my role, I was in a familiar situation subsequently after my divorce and entering a new relationship, I thought I could continue where I left off and fit straight in to my new role, and this hasn't happened. When I instruct my own children to do something, it is done, hopefully without question, but my step daughter looks at my husband as if, " do I have to do what she says?" As I see it, it is not only my stepdaughter and my own children who have had to adjust, but myself also. I have to deal with and cope with a situation that is completely alien and unfamiliar to me.

Who's controlling whom

When my husbands ex wife moved house, she reduced contact from Saturday evening through Tuesday morning to Saturday evening till Sunday evening. Her reasons were as their daughter was going to start school, she wanted her in a stable routine. Fair enough, but is going to breakfast club at 7.30am and after school club till 5pm three days a week a stable routine, when I could have taken her to school along with my own daughter? It would have meant my daughter would arrive five minutes late or so but I could work around that. So another set of strangers in my stepdaughters life.

My stepdaughter told me she didn't want to go to breakfast club. She would have to get up so early but mummy suggested it was going to be fun and it probably will be but why couldn't I take her to school? When my husband challenged his ex wife over her decision, the reply came if my husband would start work later and finish earlier when his daughter was at school then he could take her. We both scratched our heads wondering why the need because I was at home taking my own daughter to school even though it was out of my way due to a different school I could manage the two trips. I believe this was my husbands ex wife's way of getting me out of their daughter’s life. It is her way of letting me know that in I play no part in her daughter’s existence.

We all have our own individual way of parenting and raising children comes with no, How to raise the perfect child manual, but my stepdaughter's mother's skills are noticeably different to my own causing my comparison all of the time. I am not the best mother in the world. Are any of us? But I do the best I can. My parenting skills are very different to those of my husband's ex and this is something that has become a bit of an issue for me. I question them all of the time. I don't do this so why does she? I couldn't do that but why does she? She sometimes makes me feel like I am a better parent than she is even though we both are mothers doing what we think is best for our children. As I say, we each parent differently.

We have never partaken in joint birthday parties. The first year I moved in, my stepdaughter invited my daughter to her birthday party at the local play zone. My husbands ex wife suggested that my daughter would be far too old for it. She was seven at the time. At eleven she still enjoys the play zone, if she is small enough to get in! My husband was graced with an invitation, even if the hidden agenda was for him to foot the bill for the venue and party outfit she had purchased for her daughter. He attended for his daughter’s sake. He admitted he felt somewhat strange and it wouldn’t happen again not that any future invitations have ever been received. We would do our own parties in future. We held our own birthday tea as a consolation for not sharing it with her so I bought a special cake and danced to DJ Otis, Hey baby dancing around the floor throwing our arms in the air shouting OOOHH AAHHH.

On my stepdaughters last birthday, she would be six; we were going to have a themed party tea for her at home and I had made her a special cake. I do this for my own children. They love giving me the challenge of picking a novelty shape and me baking it. My daughter loves horse riding so this year she challenged me to make a cake in the shape of a Thelwell horse. For my stepdaughter, I made her a cake in the shape of a birthday present tied with a bow and a little girl, supposedly my stepdaughter, sitting on the top. My children have always woken on their birthday with balloons covering the lounge floor. It is a great sight to have a sea of balloons to kick through, so it was no effort to do the same for my stepdaughter. I loved parties at home when I was young Play zones and bouncy castles hadn't been invented, so I still find there is something special for a child to have a party at home, even though the play zone type are so much less hassle. No clearing up! We suggested it would be really nice to invite some school friends and I would buy some pretty invitations so she should start thinking who she would like to invite for tea.

She was very friendly with a little boy so automatically he was at the top of the list. She seemed so excited but the few weeks leading up to her birthday, her mother telephoned my husband ten minutes before he set off to collect his daughter, apologising for the last minute call, informing him that his daughter was upset and didn’t want to visit. While the conversation was taking place, I whispered to my husband that he talk to his daughter to ask if she wanted to change her mind as we wouldn’t be able to start the list of who she wanted to invite to her birthday. Coming to the phone and sounding very excited she immediately changed her mind and my husband collected her accordingly.

The following weekend my husband received yet another phone call with yet another excuse for his daughter not to visit. When he asked to speak to her he was immediately informed that his daughter was playing happily in her bedroom and his ex wife was not going to disturb her. Consequently we were unable to finish the party invitations. The day of her birthday it was just us, even though she still ignored and gave me the looks, I felt so sad for her. I look at the photos my husband has taken complete with cake and tea-time treats. She should have been surrounded by all of her school friends, but she wasn't.

Due to the fiasco of her birthday, the next visit we were graced with I suggested to my stepdaughter that as she had missed out on tea with her friends, perhaps we could arrange for a picnic when the weather turned warmer and she could invite the friends then, sort of a belated birthday tea. She seemed to like the idea but told me," mummy says she doesn't want my friends at your house." How could we make her feel part of our home if her mother obstructed us every time we made arrangements?
What underlying issues did my stepdaughter's mother have? Did she think we would give her a better party than she could? Was it because we were holding the party at home and this was something she would have no intention of doing? Did she think we were trying to compete with her and if these were indeed her thoughts, how silly.

All we are trying to do is make a little girl feel special and allow her daddy and his new family to be part of her birthday. Nothing else. I now throw my arms up in surrender, exhausted through trying to understand what goes on in this woman's head. The outside brick wall beckons me to start banging my head against it. At this moment... it seems the easier thing to do.

My daughter hosted a Halloween party, long before our troubles started, alongside inviting her school friends I also invited my stepdaughter She thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience. Balloons covered in white sheets representing ghosts were hung from the ceiling amidst streamers of black crepe paper. We all dressed up; even I did, which she thought was great. I try to completely throw myself into the spirit of things and get down onto the children's level. My husbands ex mother-in-law on dropping her granddaughter to the party, seemed quite shocked to have the door answered by The Grim Reaper. My husband said this is something his ex wife would never have done as she would have felt uncomfortable. So perhaps it is another issue that she has with me.

Having to hear her daughter telling her what a wonderful time she had and that I had dressed up too and we all went out "trick or treating."
Controlling my husbands contact time with his daughter has become a bit of an annoying habit with his ex wife. Friday evening she contacts my husband to notify him their daughter yet again, is unable to spend the weekend with us. His ex wife has in fact, arranged a trip to the park with her own mother and sister and her children and obviously my stepdaughter is desperate to be involved. Surely she could have arranged this everyday park outing on Saturday before my stepdaughter comes to stay, or even to avoid mentioning it to her daughter altogether assuming we may actually have something exciting planned ourselves? But no, his ex wife gave their daughter the choice. Park with mummy and your cousins and swings and slides, or daddy. Another day my husband goes without his child, giving a child such an obvious choice, not like Pizza or chips!

The Weekend Arrives.

It is the most horrendously frustrating situation to be on the receiving end of this emotional paraphernalia. Having no one, especially my husband at times, to understand let alone believe that a child can be responsible for reducing me to a gibbering wreck. My week when his daughter is absent is calm and normal. I breath a sigh of relief when she leaves Sunday evening but the anticipation reaches it's crescendo Saturday afternoon while I count down the minutes till her imminent arrival.

The weekends that I no longer looked forward to are tainted with the arrival of my stepdaughter. On Fridays I generally feel flat and deflated when I should be feeling the exact opposite, looking forward to my husband at home with his family sharing the precious time together. I'm sure he looks to me to resolve the situation with his daughter, not because he expects me too, but because it upsets him and there is little he can do to change her behaviour apart from confronting her about it every weekend. They have been apart all week and the first thing he does is reprimand her for her behaviour the previous weekend. Would this add to her dislike of me? Surely daddy telling her off because of her behaviour will have the adverse effect adding to her dislike of me even more?

Rather than complying to what he has said, will it actually make the situation worse because daddy is in cahoots with Mrs Nasty? What annoys me the most is she can come into my home, treat me the way she does, and I am the one who is expected to take it but find myself making excuses trying to understand it! She has no idea how sympathetic and sad towards her I am but I'm sure to her, I am the enemy.

There are times I feel like crying and believe me there are times I feel crying is all I seem to do. I'm sure I've given the grieving mourners beneath Wailing Wall a run for their money! My husband asks what is wrong and I say there is nothing, everything is fine. But secretly I don't want to be in my own home during the weekend at all. On Saturday evenings while my husband collects his daughter, I disappear upstairs to my daughters bedroom and wait at the window. I see his car appear unfairly hoping my stepdaughter has decided not to come that will offer some relief for the coming weekend. But I am disappointed. My stepdaughter climbs out from the car and my stomach lurches. I have taken to hiding in my daughters bedroom with a glass of wine that allows time to compose myself, if not a little Dutch courage, and put on a strained but happy face.

I am angry my stepdaughter has taken away my dream of a happy family. I am angry when trying to arrange to see my son, find I am unable to do so due to her erratic visits. I am angry that we are expected to be available at the drop of a hat for a child who decides whether she wants to visit or not. Its hard keeping my head above water and with all these different emotions I have to deal with and accept, I feel like I am drowning!

Diary entry:

Saturday 16 April 2006
Here we are again. Who’s calling the shots here, your ex wife or your daughter? I don’t know how much more ex wife/ daughter crap I can deal with. I’m expected to have a five year old talk to me like shit, ignore me when it suits, then decide how our weekend is going to run. Talk about feeling used! You say I compare the situation with my son all of the time. Yes I do because where my sons concerned, you voice your opinions and I live with it. You told me he wasn’t going to come to stay when arranging to meet friends, and use the house as a hotel. But where your daughter’s concerned, she can decide to come or not and we have to accommodate her at the drop of a hat.

I’m tired and have seen the side to you I don’t like. You say I am the important one, until it comes to your daughter. But I’ve known that from the start. All I get from you is “perhaps I’d like to see my daughter” well yes perhaps you would. Perhaps I’d like to see my son. But then I don’t have the luxury of weekend visits do I? And that looks like they may have to be re arranged to tie in with your daughter and the, will she come or won't she come. Perhaps I should arrange to go on my own and leave you and your daughter to your weekends. I’m tired of you saying you’re in the middle. I don’t put you there. We’re supposed to be a partnership, where my kids are concerned we are, where yours is, its down to you, I’m not allowed to have a say because we end up arguing. Your daughter is a touchy subject. I’ll learn to leave well alone or maybe just learn to leave.

I try to involve my stepdaughter, and make her feel as welcome as possible so she feels she belongs in our home. I want her to feel that it is her home too. So I have bought new bedding, toys and she has her own space, but she appreciates nothing I do. My husband has begun to bury his head in the sand. If he cant see a problem, it doesn't exist. But there is a problem, a bloody great big one! He has stopped asking me if everything is ok. Is this because he thinks it is, or because he refuses to believe that his daughter is capable of acting in this manner? Personally I believe he refuses to acknowledge what is really happening because when this issue was discussed before her change in behaviour, it was decided if it repeated itself, my husband would follow through his decision and temporarily stop her from coming. But as before, how can he go through with this?

Perhaps I could leave with my daughter and our child, but this will leave each of us with another loss. He will loose his wife and child, our child will loose her daddy and I will loose my wonderful husband, but if I stay and he makes the decision to stop my stepdaughter from visiting, albeit temporarily, he still looses a child. How can I expect my husband to make this choice? We find ourselves in an impossible no-win situation. It continues and as before, nothing is done.

So there really is no decision to make as I can never allow him to carry this through . What signals would this give to a young child? Yes, my life would be so much easier. No problems, but would a heap of new ones land on our doorstep? I suppose, yes they would, and my stepdaughter will grow up thinking her daddy never wanted her even if it was explained to her why. Both my husband and I know that this is not how it is. She is very wanted. She is part of my fantasy and most importantly, our family.

I don't think my stepdaughter has ever had her situation explained to her, she just had to accept it like most children. There have been many occasions I have tried to understand her behaviour towards me and have tried to gently coax out of her any worries she has. I explain things in a way she can hopefully understand by comparing friends at school, and the fallouts they may have, to the situation and her feelings towards me. I have called for the help of my Health Visitor and she has offered leaflets to colour in with stories about families splitting up and what happens to the children, hoping it will give an any kind of hint to how she is feeling. "Draw your family" the leaflet asked, so she did. Daddy, me, herself, my daughter and our baby daughter.

Again I am confused, is she responding how she thinks I want her too, or is she showing her true feelings? She did tell her daddy that she didn't like me and she didn't like mummy's partner, not as people just her innocent understanding that we were in the way of mummy and daddy getting back together. My husband explained that this was never going to happen but it didn't mean her mummy and daddy loved her any the less just because they weren't living together. It is quite normal for a child to want their parents back together. When my ex husband and I decided to separate we spoke to the children together reassuring them we both loved them very much and this would never change. The big change was not living together as a family.

Her own mother seems to pass her daughter from pillar to post. Christmas 2005 we were excited my stepdaughter, alongside my son, was able to spend Christmas eve with us. My husband then arranged to drop her back to her mothers house Christmas day lunch time, this way, both parents could spend this special day with their child. and vive-versa. My husbands ex wife had said it was ok for him to drop their daughter home at the normal time of 6.30pm, but my husband was trying to do the best for his daughter and consider she may want to spend some part of Christmas Day with her mother, so it was agreed that he take her home before lunch.

The following week, my husband called his ex wife arranging to collect his daughter on Thursday instead of Saturday, giving him and his daughter a longer weekend together. His ex wife told him it wouldn't be a problem but their daughter was at his mother's house and she wouldn't be collecting her till late Thursday evening. Consequently my husband settled for collecting her Friday. It transpired, on my stepdaughters return home Christmas day lunch time, she spent the rest of the day with her mum, the following morning at her Grandmother, my husband's ex mother-in-law, before being collected by my husbands mother and whisked off to her house to stay the rest of the week. Where was the time to be with her own mother, in her own home to play with all the new presents she had received? So over the whole Christmas period, which lasted a week, my stepdaughter spent just under twenty-four hours with her own mother.

When I first met my husband and before my daughter and I moved in, my stepdaughter had been taken poorly with Pneumonia, she has suffered with Asthma from an early age and was prescribed an inhaler, but a recent chest infection led to Pneumonia and she was hospitalised. She seemed to recover quite well but less than four months later, she was back in hospital suffering with the same condition. She spent a few days in hospital and my husband and his ex wife were delighted to be advised their daughter could be discharged and recuperate at home. The doctors felt she would get better much quicker in familiar surroundings and at the age of four, hospitals can be scary places for children. The following week, her mother had her back at nursery! Where was my stepdaughter's time getting better? I believe this was the reason that she ended up in hospital the second time, insufficient healing time then forced straight back to nursery with twenty other children suffering with coughs and colds. Some peoples parenting skills differ than those of my own.

So now another weekend to look forward to and as I suspected, on her arrival, my step daughter makes it perfectly clear she is having absolutely nothing to do with me. She is all over her daddy and no way am I allowed anywhere near. She has her, "he's my daddy so don't come anywhere near us" look on her face. Sunday evening after she has gone home, my husband comments that without opening a debate, if I wasn't going to speak to her then I can't blame her for not speaking to me! If she wants to ignore me fine but I will not be drawn into this game or stand off.

My mind is on my own daughter who is visiting her father. When she returns, she will bring a heap of issues of her own. After her first visit, she would have nothing to do with my husband, her stepfather. It came out that her father told her that HE was her daddy and she wasn't to forget it. It took several hours to convince my daughter that it is perfectly acceptable to love people other than her parents, after all, she loved her brother didn't she? I hate seeing her distancing herself from her stepfather. They are extremely close so the situation concerning my stepdaughter who is not talking to me at this time, is not on my list of priorities. If she doesn't want to speak or be in my company I really couldn't care less. I don't want to be in hers either!

Ignorance is Bliss.

Subsequent to a recent chat with my step daughter, things started to look up again for a while, but after a two week holiday with her mother, they have begun to slide back into their former routine which once again leaves my weekends strained and too a point, false. Purely my point of view I'm sure. A situation where my step daughter has had most of the morning to ask me for some breakfast, but chose to ask me in front of her father. Does this mean anything? Am I once again looking for reactions and situations that don't exist? I have been aware that my stepdaughter will sporadically speak to me only when my own daughter or my husband is present. She rarely, however, speaks when it is just the two of us.

On her arrival recently one evening, I walked through the lounge and out to the kitchen while she was sitting alongside my husband on the sofa watching television. Before saying hello she waited until I was out of earshot. I refrain from speaking to her first as I’m so often ignored and there have been times when I have spoken to her, she looks terrified that she has to respond, so I leave the conversation to her. Now, I didn't hear this as I was in the kitchen, so my husband prompts me for a response. Am I going to be accused of ignoring her or not responding to her, when she talks to me this way? Is this yet again all in my head?

My husband has asked me if things are ok. What am I supposed to say? Yes things are fine, when he clearly sees they are not. The atmosphere at home is strained and tense. Are things slipping back to how they used to be between my stepdaughter and I? Do I keep him in complete ignorance and allow him to believe that things are fine or do I tell him that the looks are back the selective talking is back? In his eyes will he look at the situation and believe this is caused by me because this is what he wants to see? Ignorance is bliss.

Diary entry

Monday 10th April 2006

Really upset at you today.
When you collected your daughter, you had a word with her in the car telling her that you were going to monitor her behaviour and if it didn't change she would stop coming. She was upset you said. She said hello to me through a wall and asked a question about a programme, which could have been directed at anyone as I wasn’t even in the room. You told me she was talking to me, so I should answer her. Later I told you how I felt about having to respond to her when she spoke to me for your benefit. You had a go saying that you couldn't bollock her and make her talk to me if I wasn’t going to talk back.

What you have done now is put her in control again. She knows I have to respond in front of you as I still get the looks and when I walked past her she turned sideways as if she didn’t want to touch me. You say you are in the middle but I never put you there, your daughter has. Well I am truly on the outside when she comes and I’m sick of it. Trouble is the problem is now mine because I just don’t want to talk to her at all. She can still come we can never stop her but I will go out. I just don’t like her at the moment. She is clever the way she can completely push me away from my family and isolate me. She sat with you all the time she was with you except when she was with MY children.

I don’t want to talk about her at all. If you go to collect her, I don’t want to know. As far as I’m concerned I don’t want to hear her name. I know you are stressed with your job and i am trying to support you with that, but weekends are our only time together and for me they are spoilt by your daughters behaviour so I really don't know how long I can go on supporting you when I have nothing nice to look forward to in my life apart from miserable weekends

I am finding it increasingly hard to interact with my stepdaughter at present. I am well aware that my guard is up. Sometimes, even her presence can be irritate me so I have resorted to avoiding her like the plague and isolating myself further no doubt. A simple photograph of her on the wall is difficult to look but it's not just the visible signs that remind me she is somewhere around my home. Her freshly washed coat hanging on the hook wreaks of fabric conditioner and that is enough. Its is not because of her, an innocent child, but what she represents. The last twenty-six months of making me feel that I don't belong in my own home. My husband thinking that, it is in fact my fault, because I am showing my immaturity instead of acting like the adult I am, so if I don't talk to her then she wont talk back. How she closes a door in my face when she sees me coming, or walks out of a room when I walk in, or includes everyone in her conversation except me, even with my friends, people she has never met before. How she talks to me in a manner like something she's scraped from her shoe and how she ignores me when I have spoken to her. I know she has heard me by the way she looks at me.

How can this be my fault? My body has reacted, and at times I am unable to catch my breath, have pain in my arms and wrists, dizzy spells, deafness and shaking. The doctor has confirmed this as stress. Yes she has tested me for various ailments and I have had many blood tests, but in the end, diagnosed as stress, brought on by the actions of a child. This is making me feel utterly pathetic. My husband is never witness to his daughter’s behaviour towards me so is forced to accept my word. He cannot see it because, perhaps, he doesn't really want too. It is his daughter after all and he loves us both. So, for the moment, my husband will remain oblivious. I will allow him to believe that everything is fine. His daughter and my relationship, is back on track, ignorance is bliss! His attitude is, unless he sees it, it isn't happening so he cannot react and respond. But his daughter is so clever. She allows him to believe that things are normal. She will talk to me while in his presence but ignore me when we are alone. It makes me so sad to comprehend that a child can be so deceitful and calculating. It seems she has two personalities. One that she uses for front of daddy and the other she falls into when I am alone with her. How can I even begin to fight this? How can a child act this way and know what she is doing? Is this going to be her character for the rest of her life? She must learn it from someone.

I do feel so desperately sorry for my husband . Things have become so bad he has decided he will stop his daughter from visiting. We have talked this subject to death. Is this the only option that remains for us? I know how hard is going to be. My own son chose not to move alongside my daughter and myself as fourteen was a crucial time for him in school, choosing his subject options, surrounded by friends and family. The only thing he had to give up was his mother. I gave him the choice and sacrificed my feelings of needing him to be with me, for his own. I hope he thanks me for this choice.

Many people have judged me for leaving my son, because leaving him is how people see it, but I live with my decision every day, and it has broken my heart. So how can I expect my husband to do the same? We visit my son regularly and he visits us, but for my husband, this would be a final decision. No visits, no contact, nothing. I cannot allow him to make this choice, but I also have to consider the effect my stepdaughter’s behaviour is having on my own children. Her constant using, “he’s my daddy,” as a threat each time she wants her way. Why should my daughter have to accept this behaviour? Alongside seeing their mummy constantly unwell and upset, this is not fair on them either. But at the pinnacle of the debate is how this decision will affect my stepdaughter and knowing she will not see her daddy again. We have tried to understand her behaviour towards me and have asked how she feels purely to be told she likes me and there is no problem. But the problem persists.

My husband contacts his ex wife after continual ignorance and not wanting to visit. He explained that, even though he loved his daughter with all his heart, he had to think about his family and how her behaviour is affecting us. His daughter, like my son could no longer be a priority for him as she was absent from his life most of the week. My husband is no longer involved in parenting her apart from the twenty-four hours that she is with us. This has no effect on the love we share for our children. Each child is loved equally, unconditionally and each is as important as the other.

Its just when a child becomes a visitor, because this is in fact what happens, priorities change. It is impossible to include all of the children all of the time. So we have to make this decision because we can only be in control over the children who are with us all of the time as they need some sort of constant stability too. He did ask why his ex wife had not given his daughter permission to like me. I feel it is important for a child to be encouraged by their parents to embark on a relationship with their respective parents new partner.

This is what I did with my children. I said it was ok for them to like daddy's new girlfriend, as I knew they could potentially feel guilty if they liked her and then feared I would be upset . Their loyalty would stay toward me obviously, as I am their mother. My daughter once asked, “if you saw daddy’s girlfriend in the street, would you punch her face in?” I told her, absolutely not after all, I didn’t really know daddy’s girlfriend so why on earth would I want to hit her? Heaven knows what context of conversation my daughter has been exposed too. So it is obvious that my ex husband expresses his opinions to our daughter on the subject of his dislike for her stepfather. The pressure a child will put themselves under to remain loyal to a parent is immense, and I believe this is the key to my stepdaughters behaviour.

I have encountered this problem with both of my children but I have encouraged them, especially my daughter, to have a wonderful time with daddy and his girlfriend and I stay out of his affairs while the children are in his company. I then express an interest when she returns home and offers the information of her stay. It is not directly telling my daughter to like daddy’s girlfriend but more of what is not said to her. To show her I am perfectly happy which I genuinely am. I am pleased she has a great time when she is with her daddy and having a great relationship with his girlfriend, I am thankful for. My husbands ex wife however said it was not her responsibility for her to encourage a relationship between her daughter and myself. That was my husband's job. It did transpire the problem, evidently, is me.

My stepdaughter doesn't like me. I shout at her all of the time and I turn lights off on her when she is on the toilet! WHAT? She wants to visit her daddy and my oldest daughter and the child we share, her new sibling, but not me. She doesn't want to see me. My husband told his ex wife that their daughter was causing an atmosphere while she was with us, apart from showing signs of discomfort, she seemed distressed the moment she stepped over the threshold of the front door, so he has decided, unless she can drastically change her attitude and be part of our family that doesn't exclude me, she was no longer able to come and stay until she sorts herself out. He will collect her as normal on Saturday evening and explain what is going to happen and why.

The response my husbands ex wife gave is she would prefer him to collect their daughter that evening, Tuesday, as she didn't want their daughter getting all excited about the weekend visit to then be told she wasn’t coming at all. This has confused me. How can a child who, for the past few weeks has not wanted to visit daddy, suddenly get all excited about her impending visit this weekend?
We decided we certainly didn't want my stepdaughter's mother explaining daddy's decision as she appeared to have no knowledge that a problem was apparent, to her, her daughter seemed quite happy, so it is agreed that we talk to my stepdaughter this evening. My husband will collect his daughter and will explain why she is no longer going to visit for the time being.. The one thing my husband would ask of me is to convey positive thoughts of her stepmother to her so can I tell her how special she is. I can do that, she is a special little girl, she is my stepdaughter, my husband's child, and I truly believe that her behaviour is not down to her, not all of it anyway.

My stomach is in knots and churning. I feel sick. We were going to turn a little girls world upside down. She is no longer going to see her daddy so can we really go through with this? My husband and stepdaughter came through the door and she throws her arms around me and tells me how much she loves me. My heart melts, what am I to do now? Where has this come from? Our planned, unrehearsed conversation fly's straight out of the window so instead I sit her down and ask what the problem is, her reply? Nothing, no problem just little things like I shout, but not at her, I shout at my own daughter and she doesn't like it. Don't get me wrong shouting is not a regular occurrence at home, but sometimes there is great need as we have a three story house and there are times that shouting is the only way I can get myself heard across three levels! Bellowing fish wife springs to mind. I've never felt comfortable being firm with my stepdaughter, she's not mine, and she is rarely naughty to warrant discipline.

There was an incident where she left some felt tip pens, minus their lids, on the bed so naturally the ink seeped onto the duvet, cover ruined, so I told her off. After leaving the room, she told my daughter that she hated me. Tad unfair on my daughter as she had to listen to another child telling her how awful I was but she has also told my son, " my mummy says I don't have to do anything your mum says because she's not my mummy." So that's what scares her, shouting at my own daughter. How can she, for the past twenty-six months, ignore me, speak rudely to me and flash such mucky looks, then out of the blue, demonstrate all this affection towards me? My suspicious mind is on desperate overdrive.

We did have quite a few warm and friendly chats while the going was good. While feeding my young daughter, she commented how well she was eating. My daughter always enjoys her food and my stepdaughter dived full swing into a conversation telling me how mummy's partner smacks her little sister, the child they have together, when she fusses with her food. Smacking a fifteen-month-old baby? I asked my stepdaughter what she did when her baby sister was smacked? She told me that she gave her sister a big cuddle because she doesn't like it as it makes her cry!

My husband was not happy but what goes on in their house and how his ex wife's partner disciplines his child is their affair, but my husband and his ex wife never smacked their daughter, and we certainly don't smack in our house, so it was of some concern to my husband that his daughter is witness to this sort of conduct. A question springs to mind. Did he smack my stepdaughter if she was naughty? We felt it would make her uncomfortable if we probed her about this subject so I assured my husband that if she did ever receive a smack, I'm sure he would hear of it, one way or another.

Another conversation we had was regarding pet names. My husband calls my daughter munchkin or munchkin of munchkinland and my stepdaughter his Little Princess. I asked if she had a pet name at home. She told us that when mummy’s partner first moved in he called her sweetie pie or something like that. I asked what he calls her now and she responded that he just calls her by her name. I think this disappointed her as she obviously liked the idea of a nickname; I think it made her feel special! There are times my stepdaughter forgets herself and appears perfectly happy in my company. Perhaps it is adjusting to each household, our home and her mothers home, and how we both conduct our lives. I can understand when she arrives she is expected to instantly change and adapt to the way we operate and the different rules that the children need to comply with.

We talked about the possibility of spending more time with us so I suggested perhaps she could possibly stay longer during school holidays, she could really find her feet and feel like part of the family again. She had already asked mummy and the reply came, it wasn't possible the reason being that daddy wouldn't be able to look after her, as he would be working. All of these little remarks were confirming that it was obviously my husbands ex wife that had the problem not my stepdaughter but why was it acceptable for her new partner to look after her daughter while she was working? My husbands ex wife wanted it all her way and she wasn't going to give us an inch.

Moaning and Groaning.

Trying to explain how I feel is becoming increasingly harder. I feel like my life is one constant moan about my husbands ex wife, and not having the ability to just move on with it. I can't talk to my husband, as he feels unable to solve this. How far will it go before I reach the point of no return? How much more can my husband go before he reaches this point too?

He is constantly in the middle and is tired with all the conflict. I am tired too. It is frustrating when I make plans for the weekend to have them altered or changed because his ex wife has other ideas, but as usual I end up conforming just to keep the peace. I am a conformist so often feel I am at the end of the queue. I go along with decisions giving my husband the impression there is no need to discuss anything with me. I try to support my husband with all of this, trying to understand how he feels and I know he tries to support and understand me also. But when he says, " I'm tired of hearing this,” or “it's like a broken record," it does hurt me. If he is my best friend, like he says he is, how can he say these things to me when he knows it's such a problem for me? I would rather have him as the loving wonderful husband that he is, than a bad best friend! This is not part of the deal, the fantasy of a happy new life together!

Tragically, this is affecting the relationship between my stepdaughter and myself. His ex wife appears to have used their child and, the bond that we shared when I first came into her life, is now in ruins. For me, the complete change of character in my step daughter from ignorance, exclusion, and arrogant filthy looks that I endured for twenty six months, to her now hugging me, telling me she loves me and exclaiming that I am the best stepmother in the world, has left me suspicious and unable to show her any genuine feeling and affection at all. As I see it, all the emotional shit my husbands ex wife has shovelled in my direction via their child has left such a void it is now irretrievably reversible. Even the cuddle I receive when she first arrives, to me, is emotionless and has no genuine affection attached, in fact, there is no sincerity at all.

There still remain a few tell tale signs though. I bought a Fathers day card for my stepdaughter to sign. I took time choosing it, not wanting our daughters card to be more devoted to daddy than hers. When I suggested that she sign it, she responded that she had already made one at school so there was no need. Ok, fair enough but I felt these were not her own words, she had simply had repeated to me what she had been told or heard. Probably all in my head, but the suspicion is there.

My stepdaughter loves me to French Plait her hair; her mummy couldn't do them so she would ask me every weekend did I have time to braid her hair. She asked if she could shower before she left to go back to mummy’s house as if I plaited her hair then mummy would take it out to wash her hair. So by showering and having her hair washed at our end, would mean the plait would be able to stay in. A few Sunday’s later, she stopped asking for the shower and I didn’t want to press her for a reason.

I remember not long after my stepdaughter started school, I noticed on Saturday evening while she was staying she had Head Lice. Now these things come hand in hand when children start school and as every mother knows those of us with children of school age are our worst nightmare. My son caught them and he wore a crew cut so there was no escape for him either. You could see the little blighters wriggling around on his head! I was fanatical about my own daughter's hair as head lice can be so inconvenient with her long locks and it wasn’t long ago that I cleared the latest outbreak that had infested her school. They take ages to clear, and it is a tedious job removing them so obviously I was concerned that my stepdaughter's mummy made sure hers were clear before sending her over the following week. I was quite happy to start the process but thought it inappropriate and personal, apart from the embarrassment, so asked my husband to mention the situation to his ex wife when returning his daughter home.

The following week I noticed the tell-tale signs that the lice were still present, those little egg cases that look like tiny grains of sugar holding on for dear life to each hair strand. I asked my stepdaughter if her mummy had started her treatment to clear the head lice. She told me mummy had checked her hair once or twice so I replied, " you need to have your hair checked every night until they have gone." My step daughter was kneeling at the coffee table drawing and without turning to look at me said," well, you don't know what you are talking about do you?" I was so shocked at this remark I was speechless and just stood mouth opened. It became apparent that the way she said certain things were so grown up or blasé they were words spoken by an adult and reiterated by my stepdaughter. Comments she overheard her mummy or conversations she had been witness too regarding my parenting skills, were mocked or ridiculed by someone and my stepdaughter was repeating them to me without any awareness what she was saying.

The signs of her former behaviour towards me are apparent. The look has begun to appear again too. I asked her to put our young daughter onto the floor as she was sat with her poised unsupported on her lap and I was concerned that our daughter would fall backwards onto the floor. She did as she was asked, but immediately looked at her Daddy. You know the reaction when you tell a child who doesn’t belong to you to do or not to do something, they look at their parent as if, " do I really have to do this?" The frustrating thing for me is that I have requested she refrains from chasing her young sibling around and getting her all excited before bed-time, and all my husband can do was tell his daughter that I wasn't telling her off. No I wasn't but I didn't need the way I spoke to her explained.

Diary entry:

Sunday 22nd Jan 2006

Had a door shut in my face again this morning and then when your daughter came downstairs, she just stood and stared at me. I asked her what was the face for and got silence. I told you that I thought I was out of flavour today and you said you didn’t think so and then seemed to brush the matter aside. There was no, "why do you think that?" Nothing. I'm just so unhappy with this situation now but stuck with it! I had no hello from her last night, just "are we baking?" so I said no. I seriously can’t be bothered when she is like this towards me. When you and I were cuddling in the kitchen she piped up that she wanted to sit by me for lunch. I looked at her and said I didn’t know why, as she hadn’t spoken to me all day. I'm sure she does it for your benefit or to make sure we don’t sit together. Roll on next week and yet another a lovely weekend spoilt no doubt