Moving from my husband’s house was always a priority. We wanted a home for us both. Not because living in his and his ex wife's house ever bothered me, she had never added a feminine touch to it, but with three children between us at the time, we needed something bigger to accommodate our growing family. My daughter and step daughter picked their bedrooms and we were lucky to have a fourth room to use as a study.
Shortly after I fell pregnant and it was a relief to know that room was not going to be an issue. We had the extra room, albeit the designated study, but it was slightly smaller than the other bedrooms so, after great deliberation, we decided that we had to prioritise the people that were in our home seven days of the week. The decision is the new baby will use the bedroom that is currently used by my stepdaughter. She will then move to the designated study, after all, my stepdaughter is only here one night a week and we didn't think it was fair that the bigger room was used as a permanent bedroom for someone to use it for such a small amount time.
Even though my stepdaughter is now sleeping in the smaller study room, on the days she is here, I set it up as her bedroom. I place fluffy cushions on her bed she has a trendy rug on the floor, pink bedding a box full of toys and a few pictures of her with her daddy on a bedside cabinet. These items are easily packed away and returned to its study/spare room state as my son uses it when he visits. Again I change bedcovers to suit him and scatter pictures around the room of him on his bike. I often bring out little mementoes he had in his old bedroom. It gives me nice memories.
My stepdaughter has her own space and is still surrounded by her familiar things and she is unaware that everything is tidied away after she has left, after all, she is returning home where she has a bedroom all of the time. She will arrive the following week with a bedroom exactly as she had left it the previous week. We did hear along the family grape vine, as they had decided amongst themselves, it was thought to be very unfair that my stepdaughter had lost her bedroom to make way for the arrival of the baby. She hasn't lost anything. We sat her down and explained exactly what and why it was happening.
In our three-story home, our bedroom and the study/stepdaughter's room are both on the middle floor, which she thought would be an absolute hoot not only to be close to daddy but she gets to share his en suite too! She seems perfectly happy with the arrangement, what business is it of anyone else what the sleeping arrangements are in our own home? We later discover that grandma, my husbands estranged mother, has set up her own spare room for my stepdaughter so she has a room there also. I do wonder what a waste that must be. She only sees her granddaughter a few times a year. What a waste of a room, but then who am I to comment? Is this another dig in our direction?
When my stepdaughter is not here, I feel so sorry for her. The constant back and forth between school and different after school carers. We can provide her with stability if her mother would allow it, but this has been my stepdaughter's routine for so long I suppose she doesn’t really know any different. The last thing we would want to do is upset her routine, but we wish we could share a bigger part of her life rather than negotiating before and after school care.
I don’t like her when she is here however. Not because of her as a child, but how she makes me feel and how my home seems to be completely turned upside down to accommodate her on her arrival. I have never in my entire life ever felt this way toward a child, any child because no child I have encountered has ever made me feel useless and that I have a problem. I am beginning to question my self worth all of the time. There are times when I wish it could just be myself, my husband and my children without my step daughter, but I came into this relationship knowing he has a child and it has never been my intention to take her daddy away from her. Never.
I did mistakenly assume things would be rosy and I could parent my stepdaughter. It has been a rather large bump landing back on earth again! My thoughts of sometimes wishing she didn't exist is are not brought about from any insensitive characteristics I may have, I truly yearn for a happy stress free life following a disastrous previous marriage. It is the problem free thoughts, apart from our own annoying little habits, not the thought of having her absent from my life. She was here before I was.
Diary entry:
August 3rd 2005
It’s so hard for me coping with my emotions regarding my son, so the added upset with your daughter is getting too much for me, and when things are in full swing, I miss him even more and long for it to be my children and I again. No worries to deal with, just us being happy. I’d like to think I have taken your criticisms of my son on the chin, I just wish you could do the same regarding your daughter, but your pain and guilt get the better of you.
Its only Wednesday and I’m beginning to feel sick about your daughter coming. I really thought we’d turned a corner but it looks like we’re back to how it was. I love you more than words can say, you are my life and the best thing that has happened to me, but I sometimes feel the cracks are starting to show. Your daughter is, and always will be, a closed topic!!
You tell me you love me all the time. You have been to the doctors and the diagnosis, you feel, may have been brought on by being run down. What with work and the problems.
You ask me if I’m happy. I am yes, but I feel that we haven’t had too many good times lately to compensate all the shit that comes our way.
Why do you not see my troubles with your daughter as an issue? I think you just ignore them and hope they go away. Well I don’t think they will.
September 12th 2005
We spoke in length about your daughter and how she makes me feel. You were really good and understanding, even when I told you I didn't want to be here anymore.
The weekend went ok. I had a small incident where she opened her door, then closed it quickly when she saw me. She was going to a fancy dress party so I got her dressed up. She was fine with me whilst doing this. You commented how well the weekend went. I hope this doesn't mean that everything that has been said can now be brushed under the carpet. I still don't know if I can cope with the times when she does come and ignores me. Those are more frequent than the nice times.
I do try to put things into perspective and imagine how my stepdaughter is feeling. It must be terrible having to adjust and then be expected to without fuss or drama. One minute having two parent figures to nurture and teach her right from wrong and then the next, four. Two of them, her parents and the other two that aren't, but who will have a completely different way of raising and parenting all together. One set of rules at mummy's and another at daddy's. The kindest approach would for her to be at one parent all of the time so at least she will have some stability in her life without the constant weekend upheaval, but then this is the only solution for her to see both of her parents at some point in the week.
This is why the whole stepfamily/blended family situation makes me so sad and angry, yet I have subjected my own children to the same disruption. My stepdaughter is not experiencing a normal family life much like my own children now. My own daughter sees little of her father. He is a workaholic and, in my opinion, his children have to fit in around him. As a mother, I know I am expected to alter my lifestyle to accommodate my children until they no longer dependants. Nevertheless, I do feel my daughter is in a stable environment. She has my husband and myself seven days a week. She knows her boundaries so can be relaxed and herself. She doesn't have to experience packing an overnight bag every week or having some things at our house and some things at her fathers but this doesn't mean she doesn't miss her daddy.
At least my husbands daughter has a bedroom here, her own space and personal effects something my own daughter does not have at her fathers. My daughter knows this is her home, a place she feels safe and comfortable in. Her father’s house is not her home. How can it be? She spends so little time there.
I find the whole stepmother thing very hard to deal with. This is all new to me too, having my children following my example and then my husband’s child doing something completely different. She is always at the forefront of my thoughts. My own children, sometimes left out because they seem adjusted to their new family way of life, but there are many times that I feel I am also forgotten ,simply because I am an adult who is expected to cope with ever changing situations. As a wife and mother, I should know what motherly tasks are expected of me and how to put them into practice. I should know how to be a parent, I am a mother so should know what I am doing. I have been expected to adjust to this; my husband however has little to adjust too, although I am sure he would disagree. He continues to go to work, come home, eat his meal and the children have been fed bathed and put to bed. It seems he is taking on the position that of his previous marriage. Man goes to work, has little interaction with the children, man goes to bed. I sometimes ask myself if my husband thinks I am to blame in some way for his daughter’s behaviour. After all, when it was he, his ex wife and their daughter, things were ok; their daughter was a happy contented child who rarely misbehaved. Now she has become rude and arrogant therefore the problem must be me and definitely not his daughter because she continues to put on her charade when in the company of daddy.
It is hard for my husband, after every weekend, to hear me nit-picking how bad the weekend has been.
There is nothing he can do and all he hears is constant complaining from me about his daughter and how badly I am being treated. It is true, that because I am already a mother, I should be able to contend with anything but before, when it was my ex husband and our children, I knew my role, I was in a familiar situation subsequently after my divorce and entering a new relationship, I thought I could continue where I left off and fit straight in to my new role, and this hasn't happened. When I instruct my own children to do something, it is done, hopefully without question, but my step daughter looks at my husband as if, " do I have to do what she says?" As I see it, it is not only my stepdaughter and my own children who have had to adjust, but myself also. I have to deal with and cope with a situation that is completely alien and unfamiliar to me.
Friday, 6 July 2007
Who's controlling whom
When my husbands ex wife moved house, she reduced contact from Saturday evening through Tuesday morning to Saturday evening till Sunday evening. Her reasons were as their daughter was going to start school, she wanted her in a stable routine. Fair enough, but is going to breakfast club at 7.30am and after school club till 5pm three days a week a stable routine, when I could have taken her to school along with my own daughter? It would have meant my daughter would arrive five minutes late or so but I could work around that. So another set of strangers in my stepdaughters life.
My stepdaughter told me she didn't want to go to breakfast club. She would have to get up so early but mummy suggested it was going to be fun and it probably will be but why couldn't I take her to school? When my husband challenged his ex wife over her decision, the reply came if my husband would start work later and finish earlier when his daughter was at school then he could take her. We both scratched our heads wondering why the need because I was at home taking my own daughter to school even though it was out of my way due to a different school I could manage the two trips. I believe this was my husbands ex wife's way of getting me out of their daughter’s life. It is her way of letting me know that in I play no part in her daughter’s existence.
We all have our own individual way of parenting and raising children comes with no, How to raise the perfect child manual, but my stepdaughter's mother's skills are noticeably different to my own causing my comparison all of the time. I am not the best mother in the world. Are any of us? But I do the best I can. My parenting skills are very different to those of my husband's ex and this is something that has become a bit of an issue for me. I question them all of the time. I don't do this so why does she? I couldn't do that but why does she? She sometimes makes me feel like I am a better parent than she is even though we both are mothers doing what we think is best for our children. As I say, we each parent differently.
We have never partaken in joint birthday parties. The first year I moved in, my stepdaughter invited my daughter to her birthday party at the local play zone. My husbands ex wife suggested that my daughter would be far too old for it. She was seven at the time. At eleven she still enjoys the play zone, if she is small enough to get in! My husband was graced with an invitation, even if the hidden agenda was for him to foot the bill for the venue and party outfit she had purchased for her daughter. He attended for his daughter’s sake. He admitted he felt somewhat strange and it wouldn’t happen again not that any future invitations have ever been received. We would do our own parties in future. We held our own birthday tea as a consolation for not sharing it with her so I bought a special cake and danced to DJ Otis, Hey baby dancing around the floor throwing our arms in the air shouting OOOHH AAHHH.
On my stepdaughters last birthday, she would be six; we were going to have a themed party tea for her at home and I had made her a special cake. I do this for my own children. They love giving me the challenge of picking a novelty shape and me baking it. My daughter loves horse riding so this year she challenged me to make a cake in the shape of a Thelwell horse. For my stepdaughter, I made her a cake in the shape of a birthday present tied with a bow and a little girl, supposedly my stepdaughter, sitting on the top. My children have always woken on their birthday with balloons covering the lounge floor. It is a great sight to have a sea of balloons to kick through, so it was no effort to do the same for my stepdaughter. I loved parties at home when I was young Play zones and bouncy castles hadn't been invented, so I still find there is something special for a child to have a party at home, even though the play zone type are so much less hassle. No clearing up! We suggested it would be really nice to invite some school friends and I would buy some pretty invitations so she should start thinking who she would like to invite for tea.
She was very friendly with a little boy so automatically he was at the top of the list. She seemed so excited but the few weeks leading up to her birthday, her mother telephoned my husband ten minutes before he set off to collect his daughter, apologising for the last minute call, informing him that his daughter was upset and didn’t want to visit. While the conversation was taking place, I whispered to my husband that he talk to his daughter to ask if she wanted to change her mind as we wouldn’t be able to start the list of who she wanted to invite to her birthday. Coming to the phone and sounding very excited she immediately changed her mind and my husband collected her accordingly.
The following weekend my husband received yet another phone call with yet another excuse for his daughter not to visit. When he asked to speak to her he was immediately informed that his daughter was playing happily in her bedroom and his ex wife was not going to disturb her. Consequently we were unable to finish the party invitations. The day of her birthday it was just us, even though she still ignored and gave me the looks, I felt so sad for her. I look at the photos my husband has taken complete with cake and tea-time treats. She should have been surrounded by all of her school friends, but she wasn't.
Due to the fiasco of her birthday, the next visit we were graced with I suggested to my stepdaughter that as she had missed out on tea with her friends, perhaps we could arrange for a picnic when the weather turned warmer and she could invite the friends then, sort of a belated birthday tea. She seemed to like the idea but told me," mummy says she doesn't want my friends at your house." How could we make her feel part of our home if her mother obstructed us every time we made arrangements?
What underlying issues did my stepdaughter's mother have? Did she think we would give her a better party than she could? Was it because we were holding the party at home and this was something she would have no intention of doing? Did she think we were trying to compete with her and if these were indeed her thoughts, how silly.
All we are trying to do is make a little girl feel special and allow her daddy and his new family to be part of her birthday. Nothing else. I now throw my arms up in surrender, exhausted through trying to understand what goes on in this woman's head. The outside brick wall beckons me to start banging my head against it. At this moment... it seems the easier thing to do.
My daughter hosted a Halloween party, long before our troubles started, alongside inviting her school friends I also invited my stepdaughter She thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience. Balloons covered in white sheets representing ghosts were hung from the ceiling amidst streamers of black crepe paper. We all dressed up; even I did, which she thought was great. I try to completely throw myself into the spirit of things and get down onto the children's level. My husbands ex mother-in-law on dropping her granddaughter to the party, seemed quite shocked to have the door answered by The Grim Reaper. My husband said this is something his ex wife would never have done as she would have felt uncomfortable. So perhaps it is another issue that she has with me.
Having to hear her daughter telling her what a wonderful time she had and that I had dressed up too and we all went out "trick or treating."
Controlling my husbands contact time with his daughter has become a bit of an annoying habit with his ex wife. Friday evening she contacts my husband to notify him their daughter yet again, is unable to spend the weekend with us. His ex wife has in fact, arranged a trip to the park with her own mother and sister and her children and obviously my stepdaughter is desperate to be involved. Surely she could have arranged this everyday park outing on Saturday before my stepdaughter comes to stay, or even to avoid mentioning it to her daughter altogether assuming we may actually have something exciting planned ourselves? But no, his ex wife gave their daughter the choice. Park with mummy and your cousins and swings and slides, or daddy. Another day my husband goes without his child, giving a child such an obvious choice, not like Pizza or chips!
My stepdaughter told me she didn't want to go to breakfast club. She would have to get up so early but mummy suggested it was going to be fun and it probably will be but why couldn't I take her to school? When my husband challenged his ex wife over her decision, the reply came if my husband would start work later and finish earlier when his daughter was at school then he could take her. We both scratched our heads wondering why the need because I was at home taking my own daughter to school even though it was out of my way due to a different school I could manage the two trips. I believe this was my husbands ex wife's way of getting me out of their daughter’s life. It is her way of letting me know that in I play no part in her daughter’s existence.
We all have our own individual way of parenting and raising children comes with no, How to raise the perfect child manual, but my stepdaughter's mother's skills are noticeably different to my own causing my comparison all of the time. I am not the best mother in the world. Are any of us? But I do the best I can. My parenting skills are very different to those of my husband's ex and this is something that has become a bit of an issue for me. I question them all of the time. I don't do this so why does she? I couldn't do that but why does she? She sometimes makes me feel like I am a better parent than she is even though we both are mothers doing what we think is best for our children. As I say, we each parent differently.
We have never partaken in joint birthday parties. The first year I moved in, my stepdaughter invited my daughter to her birthday party at the local play zone. My husbands ex wife suggested that my daughter would be far too old for it. She was seven at the time. At eleven she still enjoys the play zone, if she is small enough to get in! My husband was graced with an invitation, even if the hidden agenda was for him to foot the bill for the venue and party outfit she had purchased for her daughter. He attended for his daughter’s sake. He admitted he felt somewhat strange and it wouldn’t happen again not that any future invitations have ever been received. We would do our own parties in future. We held our own birthday tea as a consolation for not sharing it with her so I bought a special cake and danced to DJ Otis, Hey baby dancing around the floor throwing our arms in the air shouting OOOHH AAHHH.
On my stepdaughters last birthday, she would be six; we were going to have a themed party tea for her at home and I had made her a special cake. I do this for my own children. They love giving me the challenge of picking a novelty shape and me baking it. My daughter loves horse riding so this year she challenged me to make a cake in the shape of a Thelwell horse. For my stepdaughter, I made her a cake in the shape of a birthday present tied with a bow and a little girl, supposedly my stepdaughter, sitting on the top. My children have always woken on their birthday with balloons covering the lounge floor. It is a great sight to have a sea of balloons to kick through, so it was no effort to do the same for my stepdaughter. I loved parties at home when I was young Play zones and bouncy castles hadn't been invented, so I still find there is something special for a child to have a party at home, even though the play zone type are so much less hassle. No clearing up! We suggested it would be really nice to invite some school friends and I would buy some pretty invitations so she should start thinking who she would like to invite for tea.
She was very friendly with a little boy so automatically he was at the top of the list. She seemed so excited but the few weeks leading up to her birthday, her mother telephoned my husband ten minutes before he set off to collect his daughter, apologising for the last minute call, informing him that his daughter was upset and didn’t want to visit. While the conversation was taking place, I whispered to my husband that he talk to his daughter to ask if she wanted to change her mind as we wouldn’t be able to start the list of who she wanted to invite to her birthday. Coming to the phone and sounding very excited she immediately changed her mind and my husband collected her accordingly.
The following weekend my husband received yet another phone call with yet another excuse for his daughter not to visit. When he asked to speak to her he was immediately informed that his daughter was playing happily in her bedroom and his ex wife was not going to disturb her. Consequently we were unable to finish the party invitations. The day of her birthday it was just us, even though she still ignored and gave me the looks, I felt so sad for her. I look at the photos my husband has taken complete with cake and tea-time treats. She should have been surrounded by all of her school friends, but she wasn't.
Due to the fiasco of her birthday, the next visit we were graced with I suggested to my stepdaughter that as she had missed out on tea with her friends, perhaps we could arrange for a picnic when the weather turned warmer and she could invite the friends then, sort of a belated birthday tea. She seemed to like the idea but told me," mummy says she doesn't want my friends at your house." How could we make her feel part of our home if her mother obstructed us every time we made arrangements?
What underlying issues did my stepdaughter's mother have? Did she think we would give her a better party than she could? Was it because we were holding the party at home and this was something she would have no intention of doing? Did she think we were trying to compete with her and if these were indeed her thoughts, how silly.
All we are trying to do is make a little girl feel special and allow her daddy and his new family to be part of her birthday. Nothing else. I now throw my arms up in surrender, exhausted through trying to understand what goes on in this woman's head. The outside brick wall beckons me to start banging my head against it. At this moment... it seems the easier thing to do.
My daughter hosted a Halloween party, long before our troubles started, alongside inviting her school friends I also invited my stepdaughter She thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience. Balloons covered in white sheets representing ghosts were hung from the ceiling amidst streamers of black crepe paper. We all dressed up; even I did, which she thought was great. I try to completely throw myself into the spirit of things and get down onto the children's level. My husbands ex mother-in-law on dropping her granddaughter to the party, seemed quite shocked to have the door answered by The Grim Reaper. My husband said this is something his ex wife would never have done as she would have felt uncomfortable. So perhaps it is another issue that she has with me.
Having to hear her daughter telling her what a wonderful time she had and that I had dressed up too and we all went out "trick or treating."
Controlling my husbands contact time with his daughter has become a bit of an annoying habit with his ex wife. Friday evening she contacts my husband to notify him their daughter yet again, is unable to spend the weekend with us. His ex wife has in fact, arranged a trip to the park with her own mother and sister and her children and obviously my stepdaughter is desperate to be involved. Surely she could have arranged this everyday park outing on Saturday before my stepdaughter comes to stay, or even to avoid mentioning it to her daughter altogether assuming we may actually have something exciting planned ourselves? But no, his ex wife gave their daughter the choice. Park with mummy and your cousins and swings and slides, or daddy. Another day my husband goes without his child, giving a child such an obvious choice, not like Pizza or chips!
The Weekend Arrives.
It is the most horrendously frustrating situation to be on the receiving end of this emotional paraphernalia. Having no one, especially my husband at times, to understand let alone believe that a child can be responsible for reducing me to a gibbering wreck. My week when his daughter is absent is calm and normal. I breath a sigh of relief when she leaves Sunday evening but the anticipation reaches it's crescendo Saturday afternoon while I count down the minutes till her imminent arrival.
The weekends that I no longer looked forward to are tainted with the arrival of my stepdaughter. On Fridays I generally feel flat and deflated when I should be feeling the exact opposite, looking forward to my husband at home with his family sharing the precious time together. I'm sure he looks to me to resolve the situation with his daughter, not because he expects me too, but because it upsets him and there is little he can do to change her behaviour apart from confronting her about it every weekend. They have been apart all week and the first thing he does is reprimand her for her behaviour the previous weekend. Would this add to her dislike of me? Surely daddy telling her off because of her behaviour will have the adverse effect adding to her dislike of me even more?
Rather than complying to what he has said, will it actually make the situation worse because daddy is in cahoots with Mrs Nasty? What annoys me the most is she can come into my home, treat me the way she does, and I am the one who is expected to take it but find myself making excuses trying to understand it! She has no idea how sympathetic and sad towards her I am but I'm sure to her, I am the enemy.
There are times I feel like crying and believe me there are times I feel crying is all I seem to do. I'm sure I've given the grieving mourners beneath Wailing Wall a run for their money! My husband asks what is wrong and I say there is nothing, everything is fine. But secretly I don't want to be in my own home during the weekend at all. On Saturday evenings while my husband collects his daughter, I disappear upstairs to my daughters bedroom and wait at the window. I see his car appear unfairly hoping my stepdaughter has decided not to come that will offer some relief for the coming weekend. But I am disappointed. My stepdaughter climbs out from the car and my stomach lurches. I have taken to hiding in my daughters bedroom with a glass of wine that allows time to compose myself, if not a little Dutch courage, and put on a strained but happy face.
I am angry my stepdaughter has taken away my dream of a happy family. I am angry when trying to arrange to see my son, find I am unable to do so due to her erratic visits. I am angry that we are expected to be available at the drop of a hat for a child who decides whether she wants to visit or not. Its hard keeping my head above water and with all these different emotions I have to deal with and accept, I feel like I am drowning!
Diary entry:
Saturday 16 April 2006
Here we are again. Who’s calling the shots here, your ex wife or your daughter? I don’t know how much more ex wife/ daughter crap I can deal with. I’m expected to have a five year old talk to me like shit, ignore me when it suits, then decide how our weekend is going to run. Talk about feeling used! You say I compare the situation with my son all of the time. Yes I do because where my sons concerned, you voice your opinions and I live with it. You told me he wasn’t going to come to stay when arranging to meet friends, and use the house as a hotel. But where your daughter’s concerned, she can decide to come or not and we have to accommodate her at the drop of a hat.
I’m tired and have seen the side to you I don’t like. You say I am the important one, until it comes to your daughter. But I’ve known that from the start. All I get from you is “perhaps I’d like to see my daughter” well yes perhaps you would. Perhaps I’d like to see my son. But then I don’t have the luxury of weekend visits do I? And that looks like they may have to be re arranged to tie in with your daughter and the, will she come or won't she come. Perhaps I should arrange to go on my own and leave you and your daughter to your weekends. I’m tired of you saying you’re in the middle. I don’t put you there. We’re supposed to be a partnership, where my kids are concerned we are, where yours is, its down to you, I’m not allowed to have a say because we end up arguing. Your daughter is a touchy subject. I’ll learn to leave well alone or maybe just learn to leave.
I try to involve my stepdaughter, and make her feel as welcome as possible so she feels she belongs in our home. I want her to feel that it is her home too. So I have bought new bedding, toys and she has her own space, but she appreciates nothing I do. My husband has begun to bury his head in the sand. If he cant see a problem, it doesn't exist. But there is a problem, a bloody great big one! He has stopped asking me if everything is ok. Is this because he thinks it is, or because he refuses to believe that his daughter is capable of acting in this manner? Personally I believe he refuses to acknowledge what is really happening because when this issue was discussed before her change in behaviour, it was decided if it repeated itself, my husband would follow through his decision and temporarily stop her from coming. But as before, how can he go through with this?
Perhaps I could leave with my daughter and our child, but this will leave each of us with another loss. He will loose his wife and child, our child will loose her daddy and I will loose my wonderful husband, but if I stay and he makes the decision to stop my stepdaughter from visiting, albeit temporarily, he still looses a child. How can I expect my husband to make this choice? We find ourselves in an impossible no-win situation. It continues and as before, nothing is done.
So there really is no decision to make as I can never allow him to carry this through . What signals would this give to a young child? Yes, my life would be so much easier. No problems, but would a heap of new ones land on our doorstep? I suppose, yes they would, and my stepdaughter will grow up thinking her daddy never wanted her even if it was explained to her why. Both my husband and I know that this is not how it is. She is very wanted. She is part of my fantasy and most importantly, our family.
I don't think my stepdaughter has ever had her situation explained to her, she just had to accept it like most children. There have been many occasions I have tried to understand her behaviour towards me and have tried to gently coax out of her any worries she has. I explain things in a way she can hopefully understand by comparing friends at school, and the fallouts they may have, to the situation and her feelings towards me. I have called for the help of my Health Visitor and she has offered leaflets to colour in with stories about families splitting up and what happens to the children, hoping it will give an any kind of hint to how she is feeling. "Draw your family" the leaflet asked, so she did. Daddy, me, herself, my daughter and our baby daughter.
Again I am confused, is she responding how she thinks I want her too, or is she showing her true feelings? She did tell her daddy that she didn't like me and she didn't like mummy's partner, not as people just her innocent understanding that we were in the way of mummy and daddy getting back together. My husband explained that this was never going to happen but it didn't mean her mummy and daddy loved her any the less just because they weren't living together. It is quite normal for a child to want their parents back together. When my ex husband and I decided to separate we spoke to the children together reassuring them we both loved them very much and this would never change. The big change was not living together as a family.
Her own mother seems to pass her daughter from pillar to post. Christmas 2005 we were excited my stepdaughter, alongside my son, was able to spend Christmas eve with us. My husband then arranged to drop her back to her mothers house Christmas day lunch time, this way, both parents could spend this special day with their child. and vive-versa. My husbands ex wife had said it was ok for him to drop their daughter home at the normal time of 6.30pm, but my husband was trying to do the best for his daughter and consider she may want to spend some part of Christmas Day with her mother, so it was agreed that he take her home before lunch.
The following week, my husband called his ex wife arranging to collect his daughter on Thursday instead of Saturday, giving him and his daughter a longer weekend together. His ex wife told him it wouldn't be a problem but their daughter was at his mother's house and she wouldn't be collecting her till late Thursday evening. Consequently my husband settled for collecting her Friday. It transpired, on my stepdaughters return home Christmas day lunch time, she spent the rest of the day with her mum, the following morning at her Grandmother, my husband's ex mother-in-law, before being collected by my husbands mother and whisked off to her house to stay the rest of the week. Where was the time to be with her own mother, in her own home to play with all the new presents she had received? So over the whole Christmas period, which lasted a week, my stepdaughter spent just under twenty-four hours with her own mother.
When I first met my husband and before my daughter and I moved in, my stepdaughter had been taken poorly with Pneumonia, she has suffered with Asthma from an early age and was prescribed an inhaler, but a recent chest infection led to Pneumonia and she was hospitalised. She seemed to recover quite well but less than four months later, she was back in hospital suffering with the same condition. She spent a few days in hospital and my husband and his ex wife were delighted to be advised their daughter could be discharged and recuperate at home. The doctors felt she would get better much quicker in familiar surroundings and at the age of four, hospitals can be scary places for children. The following week, her mother had her back at nursery! Where was my stepdaughter's time getting better? I believe this was the reason that she ended up in hospital the second time, insufficient healing time then forced straight back to nursery with twenty other children suffering with coughs and colds. Some peoples parenting skills differ than those of my own.
So now another weekend to look forward to and as I suspected, on her arrival, my step daughter makes it perfectly clear she is having absolutely nothing to do with me. She is all over her daddy and no way am I allowed anywhere near. She has her, "he's my daddy so don't come anywhere near us" look on her face. Sunday evening after she has gone home, my husband comments that without opening a debate, if I wasn't going to speak to her then I can't blame her for not speaking to me! If she wants to ignore me fine but I will not be drawn into this game or stand off.
My mind is on my own daughter who is visiting her father. When she returns, she will bring a heap of issues of her own. After her first visit, she would have nothing to do with my husband, her stepfather. It came out that her father told her that HE was her daddy and she wasn't to forget it. It took several hours to convince my daughter that it is perfectly acceptable to love people other than her parents, after all, she loved her brother didn't she? I hate seeing her distancing herself from her stepfather. They are extremely close so the situation concerning my stepdaughter who is not talking to me at this time, is not on my list of priorities. If she doesn't want to speak or be in my company I really couldn't care less. I don't want to be in hers either!
The weekends that I no longer looked forward to are tainted with the arrival of my stepdaughter. On Fridays I generally feel flat and deflated when I should be feeling the exact opposite, looking forward to my husband at home with his family sharing the precious time together. I'm sure he looks to me to resolve the situation with his daughter, not because he expects me too, but because it upsets him and there is little he can do to change her behaviour apart from confronting her about it every weekend. They have been apart all week and the first thing he does is reprimand her for her behaviour the previous weekend. Would this add to her dislike of me? Surely daddy telling her off because of her behaviour will have the adverse effect adding to her dislike of me even more?
Rather than complying to what he has said, will it actually make the situation worse because daddy is in cahoots with Mrs Nasty? What annoys me the most is she can come into my home, treat me the way she does, and I am the one who is expected to take it but find myself making excuses trying to understand it! She has no idea how sympathetic and sad towards her I am but I'm sure to her, I am the enemy.
There are times I feel like crying and believe me there are times I feel crying is all I seem to do. I'm sure I've given the grieving mourners beneath Wailing Wall a run for their money! My husband asks what is wrong and I say there is nothing, everything is fine. But secretly I don't want to be in my own home during the weekend at all. On Saturday evenings while my husband collects his daughter, I disappear upstairs to my daughters bedroom and wait at the window. I see his car appear unfairly hoping my stepdaughter has decided not to come that will offer some relief for the coming weekend. But I am disappointed. My stepdaughter climbs out from the car and my stomach lurches. I have taken to hiding in my daughters bedroom with a glass of wine that allows time to compose myself, if not a little Dutch courage, and put on a strained but happy face.
I am angry my stepdaughter has taken away my dream of a happy family. I am angry when trying to arrange to see my son, find I am unable to do so due to her erratic visits. I am angry that we are expected to be available at the drop of a hat for a child who decides whether she wants to visit or not. Its hard keeping my head above water and with all these different emotions I have to deal with and accept, I feel like I am drowning!
Diary entry:
Saturday 16 April 2006
Here we are again. Who’s calling the shots here, your ex wife or your daughter? I don’t know how much more ex wife/ daughter crap I can deal with. I’m expected to have a five year old talk to me like shit, ignore me when it suits, then decide how our weekend is going to run. Talk about feeling used! You say I compare the situation with my son all of the time. Yes I do because where my sons concerned, you voice your opinions and I live with it. You told me he wasn’t going to come to stay when arranging to meet friends, and use the house as a hotel. But where your daughter’s concerned, she can decide to come or not and we have to accommodate her at the drop of a hat.
I’m tired and have seen the side to you I don’t like. You say I am the important one, until it comes to your daughter. But I’ve known that from the start. All I get from you is “perhaps I’d like to see my daughter” well yes perhaps you would. Perhaps I’d like to see my son. But then I don’t have the luxury of weekend visits do I? And that looks like they may have to be re arranged to tie in with your daughter and the, will she come or won't she come. Perhaps I should arrange to go on my own and leave you and your daughter to your weekends. I’m tired of you saying you’re in the middle. I don’t put you there. We’re supposed to be a partnership, where my kids are concerned we are, where yours is, its down to you, I’m not allowed to have a say because we end up arguing. Your daughter is a touchy subject. I’ll learn to leave well alone or maybe just learn to leave.
I try to involve my stepdaughter, and make her feel as welcome as possible so she feels she belongs in our home. I want her to feel that it is her home too. So I have bought new bedding, toys and she has her own space, but she appreciates nothing I do. My husband has begun to bury his head in the sand. If he cant see a problem, it doesn't exist. But there is a problem, a bloody great big one! He has stopped asking me if everything is ok. Is this because he thinks it is, or because he refuses to believe that his daughter is capable of acting in this manner? Personally I believe he refuses to acknowledge what is really happening because when this issue was discussed before her change in behaviour, it was decided if it repeated itself, my husband would follow through his decision and temporarily stop her from coming. But as before, how can he go through with this?
Perhaps I could leave with my daughter and our child, but this will leave each of us with another loss. He will loose his wife and child, our child will loose her daddy and I will loose my wonderful husband, but if I stay and he makes the decision to stop my stepdaughter from visiting, albeit temporarily, he still looses a child. How can I expect my husband to make this choice? We find ourselves in an impossible no-win situation. It continues and as before, nothing is done.
So there really is no decision to make as I can never allow him to carry this through . What signals would this give to a young child? Yes, my life would be so much easier. No problems, but would a heap of new ones land on our doorstep? I suppose, yes they would, and my stepdaughter will grow up thinking her daddy never wanted her even if it was explained to her why. Both my husband and I know that this is not how it is. She is very wanted. She is part of my fantasy and most importantly, our family.
I don't think my stepdaughter has ever had her situation explained to her, she just had to accept it like most children. There have been many occasions I have tried to understand her behaviour towards me and have tried to gently coax out of her any worries she has. I explain things in a way she can hopefully understand by comparing friends at school, and the fallouts they may have, to the situation and her feelings towards me. I have called for the help of my Health Visitor and she has offered leaflets to colour in with stories about families splitting up and what happens to the children, hoping it will give an any kind of hint to how she is feeling. "Draw your family" the leaflet asked, so she did. Daddy, me, herself, my daughter and our baby daughter.
Again I am confused, is she responding how she thinks I want her too, or is she showing her true feelings? She did tell her daddy that she didn't like me and she didn't like mummy's partner, not as people just her innocent understanding that we were in the way of mummy and daddy getting back together. My husband explained that this was never going to happen but it didn't mean her mummy and daddy loved her any the less just because they weren't living together. It is quite normal for a child to want their parents back together. When my ex husband and I decided to separate we spoke to the children together reassuring them we both loved them very much and this would never change. The big change was not living together as a family.
Her own mother seems to pass her daughter from pillar to post. Christmas 2005 we were excited my stepdaughter, alongside my son, was able to spend Christmas eve with us. My husband then arranged to drop her back to her mothers house Christmas day lunch time, this way, both parents could spend this special day with their child. and vive-versa. My husbands ex wife had said it was ok for him to drop their daughter home at the normal time of 6.30pm, but my husband was trying to do the best for his daughter and consider she may want to spend some part of Christmas Day with her mother, so it was agreed that he take her home before lunch.
The following week, my husband called his ex wife arranging to collect his daughter on Thursday instead of Saturday, giving him and his daughter a longer weekend together. His ex wife told him it wouldn't be a problem but their daughter was at his mother's house and she wouldn't be collecting her till late Thursday evening. Consequently my husband settled for collecting her Friday. It transpired, on my stepdaughters return home Christmas day lunch time, she spent the rest of the day with her mum, the following morning at her Grandmother, my husband's ex mother-in-law, before being collected by my husbands mother and whisked off to her house to stay the rest of the week. Where was the time to be with her own mother, in her own home to play with all the new presents she had received? So over the whole Christmas period, which lasted a week, my stepdaughter spent just under twenty-four hours with her own mother.
When I first met my husband and before my daughter and I moved in, my stepdaughter had been taken poorly with Pneumonia, she has suffered with Asthma from an early age and was prescribed an inhaler, but a recent chest infection led to Pneumonia and she was hospitalised. She seemed to recover quite well but less than four months later, she was back in hospital suffering with the same condition. She spent a few days in hospital and my husband and his ex wife were delighted to be advised their daughter could be discharged and recuperate at home. The doctors felt she would get better much quicker in familiar surroundings and at the age of four, hospitals can be scary places for children. The following week, her mother had her back at nursery! Where was my stepdaughter's time getting better? I believe this was the reason that she ended up in hospital the second time, insufficient healing time then forced straight back to nursery with twenty other children suffering with coughs and colds. Some peoples parenting skills differ than those of my own.
So now another weekend to look forward to and as I suspected, on her arrival, my step daughter makes it perfectly clear she is having absolutely nothing to do with me. She is all over her daddy and no way am I allowed anywhere near. She has her, "he's my daddy so don't come anywhere near us" look on her face. Sunday evening after she has gone home, my husband comments that without opening a debate, if I wasn't going to speak to her then I can't blame her for not speaking to me! If she wants to ignore me fine but I will not be drawn into this game or stand off.
My mind is on my own daughter who is visiting her father. When she returns, she will bring a heap of issues of her own. After her first visit, she would have nothing to do with my husband, her stepfather. It came out that her father told her that HE was her daddy and she wasn't to forget it. It took several hours to convince my daughter that it is perfectly acceptable to love people other than her parents, after all, she loved her brother didn't she? I hate seeing her distancing herself from her stepfather. They are extremely close so the situation concerning my stepdaughter who is not talking to me at this time, is not on my list of priorities. If she doesn't want to speak or be in my company I really couldn't care less. I don't want to be in hers either!
Ignorance is Bliss.
Subsequent to a recent chat with my step daughter, things started to look up again for a while, but after a two week holiday with her mother, they have begun to slide back into their former routine which once again leaves my weekends strained and too a point, false. Purely my point of view I'm sure. A situation where my step daughter has had most of the morning to ask me for some breakfast, but chose to ask me in front of her father. Does this mean anything? Am I once again looking for reactions and situations that don't exist? I have been aware that my stepdaughter will sporadically speak to me only when my own daughter or my husband is present. She rarely, however, speaks when it is just the two of us.
On her arrival recently one evening, I walked through the lounge and out to the kitchen while she was sitting alongside my husband on the sofa watching television. Before saying hello she waited until I was out of earshot. I refrain from speaking to her first as I’m so often ignored and there have been times when I have spoken to her, she looks terrified that she has to respond, so I leave the conversation to her. Now, I didn't hear this as I was in the kitchen, so my husband prompts me for a response. Am I going to be accused of ignoring her or not responding to her, when she talks to me this way? Is this yet again all in my head?
My husband has asked me if things are ok. What am I supposed to say? Yes things are fine, when he clearly sees they are not. The atmosphere at home is strained and tense. Are things slipping back to how they used to be between my stepdaughter and I? Do I keep him in complete ignorance and allow him to believe that things are fine or do I tell him that the looks are back the selective talking is back? In his eyes will he look at the situation and believe this is caused by me because this is what he wants to see? Ignorance is bliss.
Diary entry
Monday 10th April 2006
Really upset at you today.
When you collected your daughter, you had a word with her in the car telling her that you were going to monitor her behaviour and if it didn't change she would stop coming. She was upset you said. She said hello to me through a wall and asked a question about a programme, which could have been directed at anyone as I wasn’t even in the room. You told me she was talking to me, so I should answer her. Later I told you how I felt about having to respond to her when she spoke to me for your benefit. You had a go saying that you couldn't bollock her and make her talk to me if I wasn’t going to talk back.
What you have done now is put her in control again. She knows I have to respond in front of you as I still get the looks and when I walked past her she turned sideways as if she didn’t want to touch me. You say you are in the middle but I never put you there, your daughter has. Well I am truly on the outside when she comes and I’m sick of it. Trouble is the problem is now mine because I just don’t want to talk to her at all. She can still come we can never stop her but I will go out. I just don’t like her at the moment. She is clever the way she can completely push me away from my family and isolate me. She sat with you all the time she was with you except when she was with MY children.
I don’t want to talk about her at all. If you go to collect her, I don’t want to know. As far as I’m concerned I don’t want to hear her name. I know you are stressed with your job and i am trying to support you with that, but weekends are our only time together and for me they are spoilt by your daughters behaviour so I really don't know how long I can go on supporting you when I have nothing nice to look forward to in my life apart from miserable weekends
I am finding it increasingly hard to interact with my stepdaughter at present. I am well aware that my guard is up. Sometimes, even her presence can be irritate me so I have resorted to avoiding her like the plague and isolating myself further no doubt. A simple photograph of her on the wall is difficult to look but it's not just the visible signs that remind me she is somewhere around my home. Her freshly washed coat hanging on the hook wreaks of fabric conditioner and that is enough. Its is not because of her, an innocent child, but what she represents. The last twenty-six months of making me feel that I don't belong in my own home. My husband thinking that, it is in fact my fault, because I am showing my immaturity instead of acting like the adult I am, so if I don't talk to her then she wont talk back. How she closes a door in my face when she sees me coming, or walks out of a room when I walk in, or includes everyone in her conversation except me, even with my friends, people she has never met before. How she talks to me in a manner like something she's scraped from her shoe and how she ignores me when I have spoken to her. I know she has heard me by the way she looks at me.
How can this be my fault? My body has reacted, and at times I am unable to catch my breath, have pain in my arms and wrists, dizzy spells, deafness and shaking. The doctor has confirmed this as stress. Yes she has tested me for various ailments and I have had many blood tests, but in the end, diagnosed as stress, brought on by the actions of a child. This is making me feel utterly pathetic. My husband is never witness to his daughter’s behaviour towards me so is forced to accept my word. He cannot see it because, perhaps, he doesn't really want too. It is his daughter after all and he loves us both. So, for the moment, my husband will remain oblivious. I will allow him to believe that everything is fine. His daughter and my relationship, is back on track, ignorance is bliss! His attitude is, unless he sees it, it isn't happening so he cannot react and respond. But his daughter is so clever. She allows him to believe that things are normal. She will talk to me while in his presence but ignore me when we are alone. It makes me so sad to comprehend that a child can be so deceitful and calculating. It seems she has two personalities. One that she uses for front of daddy and the other she falls into when I am alone with her. How can I even begin to fight this? How can a child act this way and know what she is doing? Is this going to be her character for the rest of her life? She must learn it from someone.
I do feel so desperately sorry for my husband . Things have become so bad he has decided he will stop his daughter from visiting. We have talked this subject to death. Is this the only option that remains for us? I know how hard is going to be. My own son chose not to move alongside my daughter and myself as fourteen was a crucial time for him in school, choosing his subject options, surrounded by friends and family. The only thing he had to give up was his mother. I gave him the choice and sacrificed my feelings of needing him to be with me, for his own. I hope he thanks me for this choice.
Many people have judged me for leaving my son, because leaving him is how people see it, but I live with my decision every day, and it has broken my heart. So how can I expect my husband to do the same? We visit my son regularly and he visits us, but for my husband, this would be a final decision. No visits, no contact, nothing. I cannot allow him to make this choice, but I also have to consider the effect my stepdaughter’s behaviour is having on my own children. Her constant using, “he’s my daddy,” as a threat each time she wants her way. Why should my daughter have to accept this behaviour? Alongside seeing their mummy constantly unwell and upset, this is not fair on them either. But at the pinnacle of the debate is how this decision will affect my stepdaughter and knowing she will not see her daddy again. We have tried to understand her behaviour towards me and have asked how she feels purely to be told she likes me and there is no problem. But the problem persists.
My husband contacts his ex wife after continual ignorance and not wanting to visit. He explained that, even though he loved his daughter with all his heart, he had to think about his family and how her behaviour is affecting us. His daughter, like my son could no longer be a priority for him as she was absent from his life most of the week. My husband is no longer involved in parenting her apart from the twenty-four hours that she is with us. This has no effect on the love we share for our children. Each child is loved equally, unconditionally and each is as important as the other.
Its just when a child becomes a visitor, because this is in fact what happens, priorities change. It is impossible to include all of the children all of the time. So we have to make this decision because we can only be in control over the children who are with us all of the time as they need some sort of constant stability too. He did ask why his ex wife had not given his daughter permission to like me. I feel it is important for a child to be encouraged by their parents to embark on a relationship with their respective parents new partner.
This is what I did with my children. I said it was ok for them to like daddy's new girlfriend, as I knew they could potentially feel guilty if they liked her and then feared I would be upset . Their loyalty would stay toward me obviously, as I am their mother. My daughter once asked, “if you saw daddy’s girlfriend in the street, would you punch her face in?” I told her, absolutely not after all, I didn’t really know daddy’s girlfriend so why on earth would I want to hit her? Heaven knows what context of conversation my daughter has been exposed too. So it is obvious that my ex husband expresses his opinions to our daughter on the subject of his dislike for her stepfather. The pressure a child will put themselves under to remain loyal to a parent is immense, and I believe this is the key to my stepdaughters behaviour.
I have encountered this problem with both of my children but I have encouraged them, especially my daughter, to have a wonderful time with daddy and his girlfriend and I stay out of his affairs while the children are in his company. I then express an interest when she returns home and offers the information of her stay. It is not directly telling my daughter to like daddy’s girlfriend but more of what is not said to her. To show her I am perfectly happy which I genuinely am. I am pleased she has a great time when she is with her daddy and having a great relationship with his girlfriend, I am thankful for. My husbands ex wife however said it was not her responsibility for her to encourage a relationship between her daughter and myself. That was my husband's job. It did transpire the problem, evidently, is me.
My stepdaughter doesn't like me. I shout at her all of the time and I turn lights off on her when she is on the toilet! WHAT? She wants to visit her daddy and my oldest daughter and the child we share, her new sibling, but not me. She doesn't want to see me. My husband told his ex wife that their daughter was causing an atmosphere while she was with us, apart from showing signs of discomfort, she seemed distressed the moment she stepped over the threshold of the front door, so he has decided, unless she can drastically change her attitude and be part of our family that doesn't exclude me, she was no longer able to come and stay until she sorts herself out. He will collect her as normal on Saturday evening and explain what is going to happen and why.
The response my husbands ex wife gave is she would prefer him to collect their daughter that evening, Tuesday, as she didn't want their daughter getting all excited about the weekend visit to then be told she wasn’t coming at all. This has confused me. How can a child who, for the past few weeks has not wanted to visit daddy, suddenly get all excited about her impending visit this weekend?
We decided we certainly didn't want my stepdaughter's mother explaining daddy's decision as she appeared to have no knowledge that a problem was apparent, to her, her daughter seemed quite happy, so it is agreed that we talk to my stepdaughter this evening. My husband will collect his daughter and will explain why she is no longer going to visit for the time being.. The one thing my husband would ask of me is to convey positive thoughts of her stepmother to her so can I tell her how special she is. I can do that, she is a special little girl, she is my stepdaughter, my husband's child, and I truly believe that her behaviour is not down to her, not all of it anyway.
My stomach is in knots and churning. I feel sick. We were going to turn a little girls world upside down. She is no longer going to see her daddy so can we really go through with this? My husband and stepdaughter came through the door and she throws her arms around me and tells me how much she loves me. My heart melts, what am I to do now? Where has this come from? Our planned, unrehearsed conversation fly's straight out of the window so instead I sit her down and ask what the problem is, her reply? Nothing, no problem just little things like I shout, but not at her, I shout at my own daughter and she doesn't like it. Don't get me wrong shouting is not a regular occurrence at home, but sometimes there is great need as we have a three story house and there are times that shouting is the only way I can get myself heard across three levels! Bellowing fish wife springs to mind. I've never felt comfortable being firm with my stepdaughter, she's not mine, and she is rarely naughty to warrant discipline.
There was an incident where she left some felt tip pens, minus their lids, on the bed so naturally the ink seeped onto the duvet, cover ruined, so I told her off. After leaving the room, she told my daughter that she hated me. Tad unfair on my daughter as she had to listen to another child telling her how awful I was but she has also told my son, " my mummy says I don't have to do anything your mum says because she's not my mummy." So that's what scares her, shouting at my own daughter. How can she, for the past twenty-six months, ignore me, speak rudely to me and flash such mucky looks, then out of the blue, demonstrate all this affection towards me? My suspicious mind is on desperate overdrive.
We did have quite a few warm and friendly chats while the going was good. While feeding my young daughter, she commented how well she was eating. My daughter always enjoys her food and my stepdaughter dived full swing into a conversation telling me how mummy's partner smacks her little sister, the child they have together, when she fusses with her food. Smacking a fifteen-month-old baby? I asked my stepdaughter what she did when her baby sister was smacked? She told me that she gave her sister a big cuddle because she doesn't like it as it makes her cry!
My husband was not happy but what goes on in their house and how his ex wife's partner disciplines his child is their affair, but my husband and his ex wife never smacked their daughter, and we certainly don't smack in our house, so it was of some concern to my husband that his daughter is witness to this sort of conduct. A question springs to mind. Did he smack my stepdaughter if she was naughty? We felt it would make her uncomfortable if we probed her about this subject so I assured my husband that if she did ever receive a smack, I'm sure he would hear of it, one way or another.
Another conversation we had was regarding pet names. My husband calls my daughter munchkin or munchkin of munchkinland and my stepdaughter his Little Princess. I asked if she had a pet name at home. She told us that when mummy’s partner first moved in he called her sweetie pie or something like that. I asked what he calls her now and she responded that he just calls her by her name. I think this disappointed her as she obviously liked the idea of a nickname; I think it made her feel special! There are times my stepdaughter forgets herself and appears perfectly happy in my company. Perhaps it is adjusting to each household, our home and her mothers home, and how we both conduct our lives. I can understand when she arrives she is expected to instantly change and adapt to the way we operate and the different rules that the children need to comply with.
We talked about the possibility of spending more time with us so I suggested perhaps she could possibly stay longer during school holidays, she could really find her feet and feel like part of the family again. She had already asked mummy and the reply came, it wasn't possible the reason being that daddy wouldn't be able to look after her, as he would be working. All of these little remarks were confirming that it was obviously my husbands ex wife that had the problem not my stepdaughter but why was it acceptable for her new partner to look after her daughter while she was working? My husbands ex wife wanted it all her way and she wasn't going to give us an inch.
On her arrival recently one evening, I walked through the lounge and out to the kitchen while she was sitting alongside my husband on the sofa watching television. Before saying hello she waited until I was out of earshot. I refrain from speaking to her first as I’m so often ignored and there have been times when I have spoken to her, she looks terrified that she has to respond, so I leave the conversation to her. Now, I didn't hear this as I was in the kitchen, so my husband prompts me for a response. Am I going to be accused of ignoring her or not responding to her, when she talks to me this way? Is this yet again all in my head?
My husband has asked me if things are ok. What am I supposed to say? Yes things are fine, when he clearly sees they are not. The atmosphere at home is strained and tense. Are things slipping back to how they used to be between my stepdaughter and I? Do I keep him in complete ignorance and allow him to believe that things are fine or do I tell him that the looks are back the selective talking is back? In his eyes will he look at the situation and believe this is caused by me because this is what he wants to see? Ignorance is bliss.
Diary entry
Monday 10th April 2006
Really upset at you today.
When you collected your daughter, you had a word with her in the car telling her that you were going to monitor her behaviour and if it didn't change she would stop coming. She was upset you said. She said hello to me through a wall and asked a question about a programme, which could have been directed at anyone as I wasn’t even in the room. You told me she was talking to me, so I should answer her. Later I told you how I felt about having to respond to her when she spoke to me for your benefit. You had a go saying that you couldn't bollock her and make her talk to me if I wasn’t going to talk back.
What you have done now is put her in control again. She knows I have to respond in front of you as I still get the looks and when I walked past her she turned sideways as if she didn’t want to touch me. You say you are in the middle but I never put you there, your daughter has. Well I am truly on the outside when she comes and I’m sick of it. Trouble is the problem is now mine because I just don’t want to talk to her at all. She can still come we can never stop her but I will go out. I just don’t like her at the moment. She is clever the way she can completely push me away from my family and isolate me. She sat with you all the time she was with you except when she was with MY children.
I don’t want to talk about her at all. If you go to collect her, I don’t want to know. As far as I’m concerned I don’t want to hear her name. I know you are stressed with your job and i am trying to support you with that, but weekends are our only time together and for me they are spoilt by your daughters behaviour so I really don't know how long I can go on supporting you when I have nothing nice to look forward to in my life apart from miserable weekends
I am finding it increasingly hard to interact with my stepdaughter at present. I am well aware that my guard is up. Sometimes, even her presence can be irritate me so I have resorted to avoiding her like the plague and isolating myself further no doubt. A simple photograph of her on the wall is difficult to look but it's not just the visible signs that remind me she is somewhere around my home. Her freshly washed coat hanging on the hook wreaks of fabric conditioner and that is enough. Its is not because of her, an innocent child, but what she represents. The last twenty-six months of making me feel that I don't belong in my own home. My husband thinking that, it is in fact my fault, because I am showing my immaturity instead of acting like the adult I am, so if I don't talk to her then she wont talk back. How she closes a door in my face when she sees me coming, or walks out of a room when I walk in, or includes everyone in her conversation except me, even with my friends, people she has never met before. How she talks to me in a manner like something she's scraped from her shoe and how she ignores me when I have spoken to her. I know she has heard me by the way she looks at me.
How can this be my fault? My body has reacted, and at times I am unable to catch my breath, have pain in my arms and wrists, dizzy spells, deafness and shaking. The doctor has confirmed this as stress. Yes she has tested me for various ailments and I have had many blood tests, but in the end, diagnosed as stress, brought on by the actions of a child. This is making me feel utterly pathetic. My husband is never witness to his daughter’s behaviour towards me so is forced to accept my word. He cannot see it because, perhaps, he doesn't really want too. It is his daughter after all and he loves us both. So, for the moment, my husband will remain oblivious. I will allow him to believe that everything is fine. His daughter and my relationship, is back on track, ignorance is bliss! His attitude is, unless he sees it, it isn't happening so he cannot react and respond. But his daughter is so clever. She allows him to believe that things are normal. She will talk to me while in his presence but ignore me when we are alone. It makes me so sad to comprehend that a child can be so deceitful and calculating. It seems she has two personalities. One that she uses for front of daddy and the other she falls into when I am alone with her. How can I even begin to fight this? How can a child act this way and know what she is doing? Is this going to be her character for the rest of her life? She must learn it from someone.
I do feel so desperately sorry for my husband . Things have become so bad he has decided he will stop his daughter from visiting. We have talked this subject to death. Is this the only option that remains for us? I know how hard is going to be. My own son chose not to move alongside my daughter and myself as fourteen was a crucial time for him in school, choosing his subject options, surrounded by friends and family. The only thing he had to give up was his mother. I gave him the choice and sacrificed my feelings of needing him to be with me, for his own. I hope he thanks me for this choice.
Many people have judged me for leaving my son, because leaving him is how people see it, but I live with my decision every day, and it has broken my heart. So how can I expect my husband to do the same? We visit my son regularly and he visits us, but for my husband, this would be a final decision. No visits, no contact, nothing. I cannot allow him to make this choice, but I also have to consider the effect my stepdaughter’s behaviour is having on my own children. Her constant using, “he’s my daddy,” as a threat each time she wants her way. Why should my daughter have to accept this behaviour? Alongside seeing their mummy constantly unwell and upset, this is not fair on them either. But at the pinnacle of the debate is how this decision will affect my stepdaughter and knowing she will not see her daddy again. We have tried to understand her behaviour towards me and have asked how she feels purely to be told she likes me and there is no problem. But the problem persists.
My husband contacts his ex wife after continual ignorance and not wanting to visit. He explained that, even though he loved his daughter with all his heart, he had to think about his family and how her behaviour is affecting us. His daughter, like my son could no longer be a priority for him as she was absent from his life most of the week. My husband is no longer involved in parenting her apart from the twenty-four hours that she is with us. This has no effect on the love we share for our children. Each child is loved equally, unconditionally and each is as important as the other.
Its just when a child becomes a visitor, because this is in fact what happens, priorities change. It is impossible to include all of the children all of the time. So we have to make this decision because we can only be in control over the children who are with us all of the time as they need some sort of constant stability too. He did ask why his ex wife had not given his daughter permission to like me. I feel it is important for a child to be encouraged by their parents to embark on a relationship with their respective parents new partner.
This is what I did with my children. I said it was ok for them to like daddy's new girlfriend, as I knew they could potentially feel guilty if they liked her and then feared I would be upset . Their loyalty would stay toward me obviously, as I am their mother. My daughter once asked, “if you saw daddy’s girlfriend in the street, would you punch her face in?” I told her, absolutely not after all, I didn’t really know daddy’s girlfriend so why on earth would I want to hit her? Heaven knows what context of conversation my daughter has been exposed too. So it is obvious that my ex husband expresses his opinions to our daughter on the subject of his dislike for her stepfather. The pressure a child will put themselves under to remain loyal to a parent is immense, and I believe this is the key to my stepdaughters behaviour.
I have encountered this problem with both of my children but I have encouraged them, especially my daughter, to have a wonderful time with daddy and his girlfriend and I stay out of his affairs while the children are in his company. I then express an interest when she returns home and offers the information of her stay. It is not directly telling my daughter to like daddy’s girlfriend but more of what is not said to her. To show her I am perfectly happy which I genuinely am. I am pleased she has a great time when she is with her daddy and having a great relationship with his girlfriend, I am thankful for. My husbands ex wife however said it was not her responsibility for her to encourage a relationship between her daughter and myself. That was my husband's job. It did transpire the problem, evidently, is me.
My stepdaughter doesn't like me. I shout at her all of the time and I turn lights off on her when she is on the toilet! WHAT? She wants to visit her daddy and my oldest daughter and the child we share, her new sibling, but not me. She doesn't want to see me. My husband told his ex wife that their daughter was causing an atmosphere while she was with us, apart from showing signs of discomfort, she seemed distressed the moment she stepped over the threshold of the front door, so he has decided, unless she can drastically change her attitude and be part of our family that doesn't exclude me, she was no longer able to come and stay until she sorts herself out. He will collect her as normal on Saturday evening and explain what is going to happen and why.
The response my husbands ex wife gave is she would prefer him to collect their daughter that evening, Tuesday, as she didn't want their daughter getting all excited about the weekend visit to then be told she wasn’t coming at all. This has confused me. How can a child who, for the past few weeks has not wanted to visit daddy, suddenly get all excited about her impending visit this weekend?
We decided we certainly didn't want my stepdaughter's mother explaining daddy's decision as she appeared to have no knowledge that a problem was apparent, to her, her daughter seemed quite happy, so it is agreed that we talk to my stepdaughter this evening. My husband will collect his daughter and will explain why she is no longer going to visit for the time being.. The one thing my husband would ask of me is to convey positive thoughts of her stepmother to her so can I tell her how special she is. I can do that, she is a special little girl, she is my stepdaughter, my husband's child, and I truly believe that her behaviour is not down to her, not all of it anyway.
My stomach is in knots and churning. I feel sick. We were going to turn a little girls world upside down. She is no longer going to see her daddy so can we really go through with this? My husband and stepdaughter came through the door and she throws her arms around me and tells me how much she loves me. My heart melts, what am I to do now? Where has this come from? Our planned, unrehearsed conversation fly's straight out of the window so instead I sit her down and ask what the problem is, her reply? Nothing, no problem just little things like I shout, but not at her, I shout at my own daughter and she doesn't like it. Don't get me wrong shouting is not a regular occurrence at home, but sometimes there is great need as we have a three story house and there are times that shouting is the only way I can get myself heard across three levels! Bellowing fish wife springs to mind. I've never felt comfortable being firm with my stepdaughter, she's not mine, and she is rarely naughty to warrant discipline.
There was an incident where she left some felt tip pens, minus their lids, on the bed so naturally the ink seeped onto the duvet, cover ruined, so I told her off. After leaving the room, she told my daughter that she hated me. Tad unfair on my daughter as she had to listen to another child telling her how awful I was but she has also told my son, " my mummy says I don't have to do anything your mum says because she's not my mummy." So that's what scares her, shouting at my own daughter. How can she, for the past twenty-six months, ignore me, speak rudely to me and flash such mucky looks, then out of the blue, demonstrate all this affection towards me? My suspicious mind is on desperate overdrive.
We did have quite a few warm and friendly chats while the going was good. While feeding my young daughter, she commented how well she was eating. My daughter always enjoys her food and my stepdaughter dived full swing into a conversation telling me how mummy's partner smacks her little sister, the child they have together, when she fusses with her food. Smacking a fifteen-month-old baby? I asked my stepdaughter what she did when her baby sister was smacked? She told me that she gave her sister a big cuddle because she doesn't like it as it makes her cry!
My husband was not happy but what goes on in their house and how his ex wife's partner disciplines his child is their affair, but my husband and his ex wife never smacked their daughter, and we certainly don't smack in our house, so it was of some concern to my husband that his daughter is witness to this sort of conduct. A question springs to mind. Did he smack my stepdaughter if she was naughty? We felt it would make her uncomfortable if we probed her about this subject so I assured my husband that if she did ever receive a smack, I'm sure he would hear of it, one way or another.
Another conversation we had was regarding pet names. My husband calls my daughter munchkin or munchkin of munchkinland and my stepdaughter his Little Princess. I asked if she had a pet name at home. She told us that when mummy’s partner first moved in he called her sweetie pie or something like that. I asked what he calls her now and she responded that he just calls her by her name. I think this disappointed her as she obviously liked the idea of a nickname; I think it made her feel special! There are times my stepdaughter forgets herself and appears perfectly happy in my company. Perhaps it is adjusting to each household, our home and her mothers home, and how we both conduct our lives. I can understand when she arrives she is expected to instantly change and adapt to the way we operate and the different rules that the children need to comply with.
We talked about the possibility of spending more time with us so I suggested perhaps she could possibly stay longer during school holidays, she could really find her feet and feel like part of the family again. She had already asked mummy and the reply came, it wasn't possible the reason being that daddy wouldn't be able to look after her, as he would be working. All of these little remarks were confirming that it was obviously my husbands ex wife that had the problem not my stepdaughter but why was it acceptable for her new partner to look after her daughter while she was working? My husbands ex wife wanted it all her way and she wasn't going to give us an inch.
Moaning and Groaning.
Trying to explain how I feel is becoming increasingly harder. I feel like my life is one constant moan about my husbands ex wife, and not having the ability to just move on with it. I can't talk to my husband, as he feels unable to solve this. How far will it go before I reach the point of no return? How much more can my husband go before he reaches this point too?
He is constantly in the middle and is tired with all the conflict. I am tired too. It is frustrating when I make plans for the weekend to have them altered or changed because his ex wife has other ideas, but as usual I end up conforming just to keep the peace. I am a conformist so often feel I am at the end of the queue. I go along with decisions giving my husband the impression there is no need to discuss anything with me. I try to support my husband with all of this, trying to understand how he feels and I know he tries to support and understand me also. But when he says, " I'm tired of hearing this,” or “it's like a broken record," it does hurt me. If he is my best friend, like he says he is, how can he say these things to me when he knows it's such a problem for me? I would rather have him as the loving wonderful husband that he is, than a bad best friend! This is not part of the deal, the fantasy of a happy new life together!
Tragically, this is affecting the relationship between my stepdaughter and myself. His ex wife appears to have used their child and, the bond that we shared when I first came into her life, is now in ruins. For me, the complete change of character in my step daughter from ignorance, exclusion, and arrogant filthy looks that I endured for twenty six months, to her now hugging me, telling me she loves me and exclaiming that I am the best stepmother in the world, has left me suspicious and unable to show her any genuine feeling and affection at all. As I see it, all the emotional shit my husbands ex wife has shovelled in my direction via their child has left such a void it is now irretrievably reversible. Even the cuddle I receive when she first arrives, to me, is emotionless and has no genuine affection attached, in fact, there is no sincerity at all.
There still remain a few tell tale signs though. I bought a Fathers day card for my stepdaughter to sign. I took time choosing it, not wanting our daughters card to be more devoted to daddy than hers. When I suggested that she sign it, she responded that she had already made one at school so there was no need. Ok, fair enough but I felt these were not her own words, she had simply had repeated to me what she had been told or heard. Probably all in my head, but the suspicion is there.
My stepdaughter loves me to French Plait her hair; her mummy couldn't do them so she would ask me every weekend did I have time to braid her hair. She asked if she could shower before she left to go back to mummy’s house as if I plaited her hair then mummy would take it out to wash her hair. So by showering and having her hair washed at our end, would mean the plait would be able to stay in. A few Sunday’s later, she stopped asking for the shower and I didn’t want to press her for a reason.
I remember not long after my stepdaughter started school, I noticed on Saturday evening while she was staying she had Head Lice. Now these things come hand in hand when children start school and as every mother knows those of us with children of school age are our worst nightmare. My son caught them and he wore a crew cut so there was no escape for him either. You could see the little blighters wriggling around on his head! I was fanatical about my own daughter's hair as head lice can be so inconvenient with her long locks and it wasn’t long ago that I cleared the latest outbreak that had infested her school. They take ages to clear, and it is a tedious job removing them so obviously I was concerned that my stepdaughter's mummy made sure hers were clear before sending her over the following week. I was quite happy to start the process but thought it inappropriate and personal, apart from the embarrassment, so asked my husband to mention the situation to his ex wife when returning his daughter home.
The following week I noticed the tell-tale signs that the lice were still present, those little egg cases that look like tiny grains of sugar holding on for dear life to each hair strand. I asked my stepdaughter if her mummy had started her treatment to clear the head lice. She told me mummy had checked her hair once or twice so I replied, " you need to have your hair checked every night until they have gone." My step daughter was kneeling at the coffee table drawing and without turning to look at me said," well, you don't know what you are talking about do you?" I was so shocked at this remark I was speechless and just stood mouth opened. It became apparent that the way she said certain things were so grown up or blasé they were words spoken by an adult and reiterated by my stepdaughter. Comments she overheard her mummy or conversations she had been witness too regarding my parenting skills, were mocked or ridiculed by someone and my stepdaughter was repeating them to me without any awareness what she was saying.
The signs of her former behaviour towards me are apparent. The look has begun to appear again too. I asked her to put our young daughter onto the floor as she was sat with her poised unsupported on her lap and I was concerned that our daughter would fall backwards onto the floor. She did as she was asked, but immediately looked at her Daddy. You know the reaction when you tell a child who doesn’t belong to you to do or not to do something, they look at their parent as if, " do I really have to do this?" The frustrating thing for me is that I have requested she refrains from chasing her young sibling around and getting her all excited before bed-time, and all my husband can do was tell his daughter that I wasn't telling her off. No I wasn't but I didn't need the way I spoke to her explained.
Diary entry:
Sunday 22nd Jan 2006
Had a door shut in my face again this morning and then when your daughter came downstairs, she just stood and stared at me. I asked her what was the face for and got silence. I told you that I thought I was out of flavour today and you said you didn’t think so and then seemed to brush the matter aside. There was no, "why do you think that?" Nothing. I'm just so unhappy with this situation now but stuck with it! I had no hello from her last night, just "are we baking?" so I said no. I seriously can’t be bothered when she is like this towards me. When you and I were cuddling in the kitchen she piped up that she wanted to sit by me for lunch. I looked at her and said I didn’t know why, as she hadn’t spoken to me all day. I'm sure she does it for your benefit or to make sure we don’t sit together. Roll on next week and yet another a lovely weekend spoilt no doubt
He is constantly in the middle and is tired with all the conflict. I am tired too. It is frustrating when I make plans for the weekend to have them altered or changed because his ex wife has other ideas, but as usual I end up conforming just to keep the peace. I am a conformist so often feel I am at the end of the queue. I go along with decisions giving my husband the impression there is no need to discuss anything with me. I try to support my husband with all of this, trying to understand how he feels and I know he tries to support and understand me also. But when he says, " I'm tired of hearing this,” or “it's like a broken record," it does hurt me. If he is my best friend, like he says he is, how can he say these things to me when he knows it's such a problem for me? I would rather have him as the loving wonderful husband that he is, than a bad best friend! This is not part of the deal, the fantasy of a happy new life together!
Tragically, this is affecting the relationship between my stepdaughter and myself. His ex wife appears to have used their child and, the bond that we shared when I first came into her life, is now in ruins. For me, the complete change of character in my step daughter from ignorance, exclusion, and arrogant filthy looks that I endured for twenty six months, to her now hugging me, telling me she loves me and exclaiming that I am the best stepmother in the world, has left me suspicious and unable to show her any genuine feeling and affection at all. As I see it, all the emotional shit my husbands ex wife has shovelled in my direction via their child has left such a void it is now irretrievably reversible. Even the cuddle I receive when she first arrives, to me, is emotionless and has no genuine affection attached, in fact, there is no sincerity at all.
There still remain a few tell tale signs though. I bought a Fathers day card for my stepdaughter to sign. I took time choosing it, not wanting our daughters card to be more devoted to daddy than hers. When I suggested that she sign it, she responded that she had already made one at school so there was no need. Ok, fair enough but I felt these were not her own words, she had simply had repeated to me what she had been told or heard. Probably all in my head, but the suspicion is there.
My stepdaughter loves me to French Plait her hair; her mummy couldn't do them so she would ask me every weekend did I have time to braid her hair. She asked if she could shower before she left to go back to mummy’s house as if I plaited her hair then mummy would take it out to wash her hair. So by showering and having her hair washed at our end, would mean the plait would be able to stay in. A few Sunday’s later, she stopped asking for the shower and I didn’t want to press her for a reason.
I remember not long after my stepdaughter started school, I noticed on Saturday evening while she was staying she had Head Lice. Now these things come hand in hand when children start school and as every mother knows those of us with children of school age are our worst nightmare. My son caught them and he wore a crew cut so there was no escape for him either. You could see the little blighters wriggling around on his head! I was fanatical about my own daughter's hair as head lice can be so inconvenient with her long locks and it wasn’t long ago that I cleared the latest outbreak that had infested her school. They take ages to clear, and it is a tedious job removing them so obviously I was concerned that my stepdaughter's mummy made sure hers were clear before sending her over the following week. I was quite happy to start the process but thought it inappropriate and personal, apart from the embarrassment, so asked my husband to mention the situation to his ex wife when returning his daughter home.
The following week I noticed the tell-tale signs that the lice were still present, those little egg cases that look like tiny grains of sugar holding on for dear life to each hair strand. I asked my stepdaughter if her mummy had started her treatment to clear the head lice. She told me mummy had checked her hair once or twice so I replied, " you need to have your hair checked every night until they have gone." My step daughter was kneeling at the coffee table drawing and without turning to look at me said," well, you don't know what you are talking about do you?" I was so shocked at this remark I was speechless and just stood mouth opened. It became apparent that the way she said certain things were so grown up or blasé they were words spoken by an adult and reiterated by my stepdaughter. Comments she overheard her mummy or conversations she had been witness too regarding my parenting skills, were mocked or ridiculed by someone and my stepdaughter was repeating them to me without any awareness what she was saying.
The signs of her former behaviour towards me are apparent. The look has begun to appear again too. I asked her to put our young daughter onto the floor as she was sat with her poised unsupported on her lap and I was concerned that our daughter would fall backwards onto the floor. She did as she was asked, but immediately looked at her Daddy. You know the reaction when you tell a child who doesn’t belong to you to do or not to do something, they look at their parent as if, " do I really have to do this?" The frustrating thing for me is that I have requested she refrains from chasing her young sibling around and getting her all excited before bed-time, and all my husband can do was tell his daughter that I wasn't telling her off. No I wasn't but I didn't need the way I spoke to her explained.
Diary entry:
Sunday 22nd Jan 2006
Had a door shut in my face again this morning and then when your daughter came downstairs, she just stood and stared at me. I asked her what was the face for and got silence. I told you that I thought I was out of flavour today and you said you didn’t think so and then seemed to brush the matter aside. There was no, "why do you think that?" Nothing. I'm just so unhappy with this situation now but stuck with it! I had no hello from her last night, just "are we baking?" so I said no. I seriously can’t be bothered when she is like this towards me. When you and I were cuddling in the kitchen she piped up that she wanted to sit by me for lunch. I looked at her and said I didn’t know why, as she hadn’t spoken to me all day. I'm sure she does it for your benefit or to make sure we don’t sit together. Roll on next week and yet another a lovely weekend spoilt no doubt
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Exclusion.
I have often wondered whether my husband has in fact, ignorantly or intentionally, contributed to the situation that I find myself, in keeping myself and his ex wife apart. During the time she dropped their daughter to our home, I would sit in the lounge and wait for my husband while he disappeared outside to discuss any issues or concerns that may have occurred during the week. I couldn't hear the conversation, if any, so this would exclude me from any arrangements or changing of plans should they be made.
I felt I should be considered; after all, this was my weekend too. Now whether my husband's reasons were to protect me or keep me from any potential confrontation I will never know. Rather than being a visible part of her ex husband's new life, I felt unimportant and dismissed so perhaps my husband gave his ex wife an invisible indication in excluding me, he didn't really feel I was important enough to be considered. Maybe is was his self preservation by not allowing his ex wife to think maybe it was now me pulling his strings, which has never been the case.
All I ask is to be considered in any change of plan that may happen, but sadly, this still isn't happening. Parties are being accepted by my husbands ex wife, on our behalf when my stepdaughter is supposed to be with her daddy. This means anything we have planned, would have to be changed. If I questioned where the lack of consideration shown for me, the reply would be that my husband didn't want
it to look like he was running back to the little wife and he was quite capable of making decisions for himself.
Understandable, I accept that, but this isn't just about him. This involves my daughter, myself, his new blended family in addition to the child we have together. But more importantly what about the little time my husband has with his daughter and she her daddy? What continues to frustrate me is any decision that involves my children from my previous marriage, are all discussed with my husband so decisions are made together.
October 2004 we moved into our new home we had purchased together. I had been fortunate to receive a sum of money from the sale of my old home, so we were able to look for a new home substantially larger than the one we were currently squeezed into, and shortly afterwards in the November, we married. My husband still continues to exclude me from the ex wife, my husband, their daughter equation. He drives to his ex wife's home to collect his daughter alone. Due to the upset our respective ex's had been causing, we decided when we moved to start a completely fresh new life, we didn't want either ex spouses anywhere near our home.
We needed it to be a fresh start, untainted from confrontation and almost sanctuary-like. It was our home, not theirs to invade bringing problems and issues to our front door, but apart from all of this, my husband would have control when collecting his daughter. Quite often we would sit twiddling our fingers waiting for the arrival of my stepdaughter while his ex wife was repeatedly late, or wonder, "is she actually coming tonight?" I often passed comment to my husband that the drop off time of 6.30pm was a touch late in the evening for a four-year-old, which incidentally, often crept on till 7pm, so to have to wrestle with her to go to bed at 7.30pm started to become impossible if not unfair for both my stepdaughter and my husband.
To be whisked off to bed the moment she stepped foot through the door instead of spending some time with dad seemed undeserved but I had to consider my daughter who would then open up the debate to stay up later because my stepdaughter had. Just what I needed! Collecting my stepdaughter would also give me the opportunity to become more involved with her. I have suggested I would be more than happy to drop my stepdaughter home on Sunday. There would be no need for me to climb out from the car, as long as I waited until her mummy opened the door and she was safe inside would suffice, perhaps I could even offer her mother a friendly wave!
But there is still absolutely no communication between his ex wife and myself at all. I am expected to be involved with my stepdaughter when she is over the threshold of our front door, but it has been made it perfectly clear that I am not part of the equation, my husband their child and his ex wife.
In a recent conversation with my husbands ex wife, she told him that their daughter was reluctant to spend the weekend with us. My stepdaughter has told her mother that she wants to see daddy; she wants to see my daughter and our daughter, her new sibling, but she doesn't want to see me. Naturally this excludes me even further from my family, but his ex wife has suggested perhaps my husband take my stepdaughter out on her own somewhere nice and make her feel special. We try and spend quality time with the family on a weekend; days out, fun at the park, but it can be exhausting when trying to fill the time with exciting things to do simply because my stepdaughter is present. Sometimes its just nice for my husband to relax and chill out after a stressful week at the office. Apart from this, constant day tripping can deem very expensive for a family of 5!
We have taken the children to Blackpool and played ten-pin-bowling on the pier. The girls have flown in the aeroplanes and built sandcastles on the sand. Now and then a simple walk will be enough, but how many children like to walk? It's an adult pastime. I do get cross when it is expected, especially from my husbands ex wife, to do something exciting every weekend just because my stepdaughter is here. She has passed comment to my husband claiming their daughter has mentioned that daddy doesn't get out of bed on Sunday until 9am! When my husband needs to re charge his batteries, I am happy to take the girls to the local park for an hour, but I'm sure my husband would receive a call reminding him that while his daughter is in his company on weekends, it is his contact time and not mine.
So is this normal family life? I was lucky to have accompanied my parents to the pub and dumped in the beer garden when the weather was nice! Its not always feasible to do something every weekend before ideas are exhausted. But why does she think she is able to suggest this? Why does she feel justified in suggesting to her ex husband that their child only wants to see daddy so he should take her out? What about daddy's new family? What is he expected to do with us while he's off entertaining his daughter, just take a back seat and be done with it? What about our daughter we share together? What happens when she asks where daddy goes every weekend? Is she going to grow up feeling less important? How come my husbands ex wife and her new partner are able to play happy families? Why is everything on her terms?
In hindsight, if I had been given the chance to look into the future, I would have considered very carefully, if not, taken the triple jump and hop, skipped and bounded a mile away before involving myself with someone who has children. Have you heard the saying that love conquers all? Well let me tell you it doesn't. I love my husband very much, I completely adore the man but and as I have said before, love is blind and an interfering ex wife will take its toll on any relationship if you really are not strong enough to accept that your relationship with a man who has a child or children, will be far from normal.
If the ex wife/partner is reasonable and is happy to accept the new hen in the henhouse, then everything should be ok. You can potentially lead a normal happy life. I don’t think my husband’s ex wife has any idea the affect her actions will have on her daughters future.
I constantly feel this whole stepfamily situation is getting way out of control and quickly becoming a farce. Apart from exclusion, the clothing debate is another irritating topic that repeats itself week in week out. My husband asked if, when packing his daughters overnight bag, could she please have appropriate clothing. A t-shirt and party shoes are not suitable when attending a farmyard party while the unpredictable British weather launches rain and changing temperatures of five degrees centigrade. He did call his ex wife to ask if he could perhaps call over the next morning, Sunday, before his daughters party, to pick up a warm jumper and a waterproof coat. His ex wife told him it would not be convenient as she was going shopping first thing 9am that morning. I wonder, what is more important, shopping for the weekly groceries or her daughter warm and suitably dressed for a party?
So here comes the overnight bag, the following weekend, packed with party shoes,
trainers, wet weather coat, Wellington boots, umbrella, jumper and to top it all, a pair of gloves! Now it's the middle of June and the weather has been twenty-four degrees centigrade the last few days subsequent to the previous weekend. Why am I suicidal over a pair of gloves? Why am I distraught at the fact this woman has reacted to my husband's request by going completely over the top? Why can I not see this as utterly laughable? Because I feel that I am the target. In her eyes, I am the woman behind the instigation, who is influencing her ex husband over decisions regarding their daughter. He is all of a sudden, confronting her over issues that he normally wouldn't pass comment on to avert any confrontation with her, simply for the quiet life.
The clothing debate, because this is an instigation of yet another time wasting conversation, has always been a problem for me. I accept that I am not a Donatella Versace, but having my step daughter arrive in a black near floor-length length skirt at the tender age of six, is something I wouldn't have dressed my own child in. In my opinion it's far too old, but I have to accept that my husband’s ex wife will not have the same tastes as me. Unfortunately it becomes another unnecessary issue wondering what she will be wearing on her next visit, instead of accepting if her mother dresses her in a certain way that’s her prerogative. I should allow it to go straight over my head!
On the other hand, to send her in white floral shorts with a large brown stain on the backside, looking like she has soiled herself, to me is also inappropriate, especially when some weekends she is dressed head to toe in John Rocha! So then it begins, minor annoyances become major issues, constantly looking for flaws in her parenting skills that confirm my suspicions. Yes she is completely clueless at motherhood. Heaven help me.
My husband pays an obscene amount of child support, so he does feel justified when asking for his daughter to be suitably dressed. We have bought clothes for her to wear when she is with us, but this reduces the amount of clothing that is packed by her mother and my stepdaughter quickly grows out of the clothes we have and with all the infrequent visits lately, cloths are left hanging in her wardrobe completely unworn. I have in the past, washed and ironed the clothes that my stepdaughter has arrived in, but I have been told via my husband, "my ex wife has requested that you stop washing her daughters clothes thank you." So, at her request, they are packed back into the suitcase my stepdaughter brings with her, and sent home dirty
I purchased my stepdaughter a pair of white sandals as during the summer she would have a pair of trainers to wear which caused her feet to become hot and sweaty, so she was delighted when she could wear cool summer sandals with the pretty dress I had also bought for her. My stepdaughter asked if she could wear them home at which I said of course. I was reluctant to appear petty but sometimes clothes my stepdaughter wore home, took a while to re-surface which again left less choice if she needed to change. She arrived the following weekend without the sandals and I didn't catch sight of them for the next few weeks. When they eventually found their way back to our house, they were handed to me in a scruffy carrier bag. They were ruined, completely covered in mud and dirt with the white polish totally worn away. I had no choice but to throw them away.
Needless to say, not one item of clothing I bought ever ventured to my husbands ex wife. I can never understand what leads some ex wives/partners to play this silly game with clothes, using their children. Sending their children to their ex husbands/partners home in clothes that are too small, t-shirts in winter time, clothes that are worn or broken that should really be in the dustbin. Why do they do this? Is it to get back at their ex's? Why is it the children that are exposed and used as a weapon? It is the children that are being used in this tug of war break-up. Surely these women should be getting on with their lives, or perhaps it is because they have so little or are so resentful they need to get their sick satisfaction from somewhere and the only way to achieve it is through their children in antagonising the other party.
All I can say is to me they are sad individuals who have little or no respect for their own flesh and blood and have no pride in how their children are dressed. What they actually achieve is making themselves appear childish giving the likes of me, a stepmother, the satisfaction of knowing that I really am a better mother because I don't play these games with my children. I am however, unwillingly drawn into this game, having to send my stepdaughter home in the same attire, unwashed or too small, while keeping the small scrap of clothes I buy for her here, otherwise I may never see then in the same state again.
I respect my kids and am proud of how they look. They are my children and I love them but above all of this they are human beings not tools or weapons so in my opinion the parents who play this game have no respect for themselves and even less for their children. Perhaps it is my reaction to this matter that causes a degree of conflict between my husband and myself as I immediately jump on the bandwagon. If my husband’s ex wife desires my stepdaughter to look like an orphan, then it is a reflection on her, not me. I should try to take a step back and if my husband and his daughter’s mother have a dispute over something, whether it is a clothing issue or contact agreement, by not jumping on the bandwagon and involving myself in the situation, I can be a better wife to him rather than him feeling he is constantly in the middle.
I felt I should be considered; after all, this was my weekend too. Now whether my husband's reasons were to protect me or keep me from any potential confrontation I will never know. Rather than being a visible part of her ex husband's new life, I felt unimportant and dismissed so perhaps my husband gave his ex wife an invisible indication in excluding me, he didn't really feel I was important enough to be considered. Maybe is was his self preservation by not allowing his ex wife to think maybe it was now me pulling his strings, which has never been the case.
All I ask is to be considered in any change of plan that may happen, but sadly, this still isn't happening. Parties are being accepted by my husbands ex wife, on our behalf when my stepdaughter is supposed to be with her daddy. This means anything we have planned, would have to be changed. If I questioned where the lack of consideration shown for me, the reply would be that my husband didn't want
it to look like he was running back to the little wife and he was quite capable of making decisions for himself.
Understandable, I accept that, but this isn't just about him. This involves my daughter, myself, his new blended family in addition to the child we have together. But more importantly what about the little time my husband has with his daughter and she her daddy? What continues to frustrate me is any decision that involves my children from my previous marriage, are all discussed with my husband so decisions are made together.
October 2004 we moved into our new home we had purchased together. I had been fortunate to receive a sum of money from the sale of my old home, so we were able to look for a new home substantially larger than the one we were currently squeezed into, and shortly afterwards in the November, we married. My husband still continues to exclude me from the ex wife, my husband, their daughter equation. He drives to his ex wife's home to collect his daughter alone. Due to the upset our respective ex's had been causing, we decided when we moved to start a completely fresh new life, we didn't want either ex spouses anywhere near our home.
We needed it to be a fresh start, untainted from confrontation and almost sanctuary-like. It was our home, not theirs to invade bringing problems and issues to our front door, but apart from all of this, my husband would have control when collecting his daughter. Quite often we would sit twiddling our fingers waiting for the arrival of my stepdaughter while his ex wife was repeatedly late, or wonder, "is she actually coming tonight?" I often passed comment to my husband that the drop off time of 6.30pm was a touch late in the evening for a four-year-old, which incidentally, often crept on till 7pm, so to have to wrestle with her to go to bed at 7.30pm started to become impossible if not unfair for both my stepdaughter and my husband.
To be whisked off to bed the moment she stepped foot through the door instead of spending some time with dad seemed undeserved but I had to consider my daughter who would then open up the debate to stay up later because my stepdaughter had. Just what I needed! Collecting my stepdaughter would also give me the opportunity to become more involved with her. I have suggested I would be more than happy to drop my stepdaughter home on Sunday. There would be no need for me to climb out from the car, as long as I waited until her mummy opened the door and she was safe inside would suffice, perhaps I could even offer her mother a friendly wave!
But there is still absolutely no communication between his ex wife and myself at all. I am expected to be involved with my stepdaughter when she is over the threshold of our front door, but it has been made it perfectly clear that I am not part of the equation, my husband their child and his ex wife.
In a recent conversation with my husbands ex wife, she told him that their daughter was reluctant to spend the weekend with us. My stepdaughter has told her mother that she wants to see daddy; she wants to see my daughter and our daughter, her new sibling, but she doesn't want to see me. Naturally this excludes me even further from my family, but his ex wife has suggested perhaps my husband take my stepdaughter out on her own somewhere nice and make her feel special. We try and spend quality time with the family on a weekend; days out, fun at the park, but it can be exhausting when trying to fill the time with exciting things to do simply because my stepdaughter is present. Sometimes its just nice for my husband to relax and chill out after a stressful week at the office. Apart from this, constant day tripping can deem very expensive for a family of 5!
We have taken the children to Blackpool and played ten-pin-bowling on the pier. The girls have flown in the aeroplanes and built sandcastles on the sand. Now and then a simple walk will be enough, but how many children like to walk? It's an adult pastime. I do get cross when it is expected, especially from my husbands ex wife, to do something exciting every weekend just because my stepdaughter is here. She has passed comment to my husband claiming their daughter has mentioned that daddy doesn't get out of bed on Sunday until 9am! When my husband needs to re charge his batteries, I am happy to take the girls to the local park for an hour, but I'm sure my husband would receive a call reminding him that while his daughter is in his company on weekends, it is his contact time and not mine.
So is this normal family life? I was lucky to have accompanied my parents to the pub and dumped in the beer garden when the weather was nice! Its not always feasible to do something every weekend before ideas are exhausted. But why does she think she is able to suggest this? Why does she feel justified in suggesting to her ex husband that their child only wants to see daddy so he should take her out? What about daddy's new family? What is he expected to do with us while he's off entertaining his daughter, just take a back seat and be done with it? What about our daughter we share together? What happens when she asks where daddy goes every weekend? Is she going to grow up feeling less important? How come my husbands ex wife and her new partner are able to play happy families? Why is everything on her terms?
In hindsight, if I had been given the chance to look into the future, I would have considered very carefully, if not, taken the triple jump and hop, skipped and bounded a mile away before involving myself with someone who has children. Have you heard the saying that love conquers all? Well let me tell you it doesn't. I love my husband very much, I completely adore the man but and as I have said before, love is blind and an interfering ex wife will take its toll on any relationship if you really are not strong enough to accept that your relationship with a man who has a child or children, will be far from normal.
If the ex wife/partner is reasonable and is happy to accept the new hen in the henhouse, then everything should be ok. You can potentially lead a normal happy life. I don’t think my husband’s ex wife has any idea the affect her actions will have on her daughters future.
I constantly feel this whole stepfamily situation is getting way out of control and quickly becoming a farce. Apart from exclusion, the clothing debate is another irritating topic that repeats itself week in week out. My husband asked if, when packing his daughters overnight bag, could she please have appropriate clothing. A t-shirt and party shoes are not suitable when attending a farmyard party while the unpredictable British weather launches rain and changing temperatures of five degrees centigrade. He did call his ex wife to ask if he could perhaps call over the next morning, Sunday, before his daughters party, to pick up a warm jumper and a waterproof coat. His ex wife told him it would not be convenient as she was going shopping first thing 9am that morning. I wonder, what is more important, shopping for the weekly groceries or her daughter warm and suitably dressed for a party?
So here comes the overnight bag, the following weekend, packed with party shoes,
trainers, wet weather coat, Wellington boots, umbrella, jumper and to top it all, a pair of gloves! Now it's the middle of June and the weather has been twenty-four degrees centigrade the last few days subsequent to the previous weekend. Why am I suicidal over a pair of gloves? Why am I distraught at the fact this woman has reacted to my husband's request by going completely over the top? Why can I not see this as utterly laughable? Because I feel that I am the target. In her eyes, I am the woman behind the instigation, who is influencing her ex husband over decisions regarding their daughter. He is all of a sudden, confronting her over issues that he normally wouldn't pass comment on to avert any confrontation with her, simply for the quiet life.
The clothing debate, because this is an instigation of yet another time wasting conversation, has always been a problem for me. I accept that I am not a Donatella Versace, but having my step daughter arrive in a black near floor-length length skirt at the tender age of six, is something I wouldn't have dressed my own child in. In my opinion it's far too old, but I have to accept that my husband’s ex wife will not have the same tastes as me. Unfortunately it becomes another unnecessary issue wondering what she will be wearing on her next visit, instead of accepting if her mother dresses her in a certain way that’s her prerogative. I should allow it to go straight over my head!
On the other hand, to send her in white floral shorts with a large brown stain on the backside, looking like she has soiled herself, to me is also inappropriate, especially when some weekends she is dressed head to toe in John Rocha! So then it begins, minor annoyances become major issues, constantly looking for flaws in her parenting skills that confirm my suspicions. Yes she is completely clueless at motherhood. Heaven help me.
My husband pays an obscene amount of child support, so he does feel justified when asking for his daughter to be suitably dressed. We have bought clothes for her to wear when she is with us, but this reduces the amount of clothing that is packed by her mother and my stepdaughter quickly grows out of the clothes we have and with all the infrequent visits lately, cloths are left hanging in her wardrobe completely unworn. I have in the past, washed and ironed the clothes that my stepdaughter has arrived in, but I have been told via my husband, "my ex wife has requested that you stop washing her daughters clothes thank you." So, at her request, they are packed back into the suitcase my stepdaughter brings with her, and sent home dirty
I purchased my stepdaughter a pair of white sandals as during the summer she would have a pair of trainers to wear which caused her feet to become hot and sweaty, so she was delighted when she could wear cool summer sandals with the pretty dress I had also bought for her. My stepdaughter asked if she could wear them home at which I said of course. I was reluctant to appear petty but sometimes clothes my stepdaughter wore home, took a while to re-surface which again left less choice if she needed to change. She arrived the following weekend without the sandals and I didn't catch sight of them for the next few weeks. When they eventually found their way back to our house, they were handed to me in a scruffy carrier bag. They were ruined, completely covered in mud and dirt with the white polish totally worn away. I had no choice but to throw them away.
Needless to say, not one item of clothing I bought ever ventured to my husbands ex wife. I can never understand what leads some ex wives/partners to play this silly game with clothes, using their children. Sending their children to their ex husbands/partners home in clothes that are too small, t-shirts in winter time, clothes that are worn or broken that should really be in the dustbin. Why do they do this? Is it to get back at their ex's? Why is it the children that are exposed and used as a weapon? It is the children that are being used in this tug of war break-up. Surely these women should be getting on with their lives, or perhaps it is because they have so little or are so resentful they need to get their sick satisfaction from somewhere and the only way to achieve it is through their children in antagonising the other party.
All I can say is to me they are sad individuals who have little or no respect for their own flesh and blood and have no pride in how their children are dressed. What they actually achieve is making themselves appear childish giving the likes of me, a stepmother, the satisfaction of knowing that I really am a better mother because I don't play these games with my children. I am however, unwillingly drawn into this game, having to send my stepdaughter home in the same attire, unwashed or too small, while keeping the small scrap of clothes I buy for her here, otherwise I may never see then in the same state again.
I respect my kids and am proud of how they look. They are my children and I love them but above all of this they are human beings not tools or weapons so in my opinion the parents who play this game have no respect for themselves and even less for their children. Perhaps it is my reaction to this matter that causes a degree of conflict between my husband and myself as I immediately jump on the bandwagon. If my husband’s ex wife desires my stepdaughter to look like an orphan, then it is a reflection on her, not me. I should try to take a step back and if my husband and his daughter’s mother have a dispute over something, whether it is a clothing issue or contact agreement, by not jumping on the bandwagon and involving myself in the situation, I can be a better wife to him rather than him feeling he is constantly in the middle.
In the beginning.
The first few months in our new life were great. My daughter, who had not long celebrated her seventh birthday, settled into her new school and was making lots of new friends. My husband continued with the arrangement of having his daughter, who was approaching her fourth birthday, Saturday evening through till Tuesday morning. He would drop her at nursery, which she had attended from the age of six months, Tuesday morning and her mother would pick her up after she finished work the same Tuesday evening.
As a housewife and in the fortunate position to not need a second income, I was at home all day, so it became obvious to allow my stepdaughter to stay at home with me rather taking his daughter to nursery from 8am till 5pm. I enjoyed our time together as she loved baking with me or painting and drawing, sometimes just to sit and watch a film together. We started to enjoy Harry Potter so would park ourselves on the sofa, have a cuddle and devour a packet of crisps. It was her fist experience of the film but she had known all about the magic. When I shopped for things for my own daughter, I immediately thought of my stepdaughter, so I would shop for her too.
Clothes I purchased were at my expense, not her fathers. I loved buying little dresses for her as she was often in trousers, so to catch a glimpse of her lifting the bottom of her dress and twirling around like a princess, filled me with a sense of happiness and joy. I was delighted she was pleased and when arriving for her stay would shout," can I change into my dress?" These were the sorts of things I did with my children so my actions towards my stepdaughter were not false or pretend. So to set off shopping together for clothes and then call into a cafe for a plate of chips seemed much more fun than going to nursery. After all, from Wednesday onwards, she would be back at nursery because her mother would be at work and this was her routine.
This is when my husband received the telephone call. Why was their daughter not at nursery? His ex wife wanted to know where she was and made it clear she wanted her child back at nursery. Their daughter was with daddy on his half of the week and perfectly safe in his care, so why did she need to know what was happening while he had his own daughter? My husband never interfered with the arrangement of his child when she was with her mother, he would have been told to mind his own business, and it was apparent that her new partner often looked after my stepdaughter when he was on his own. My husband was expected to trust his ex wife's judgement when she found a new partner who would be involved in his child's life, why was she adamant in not trusting his own judgement when he found me? Being alone with me was obviously a problem for her, so to keep the peace, I took my stepdaughter back to nursery.
At this point the tummy aches started. You know the kind that come on with the kids before a school test, or just the thought of school altogether. I didn't want to tell my stepdaughter that mummy insisted she went, that wouldn't be fair, so my stepdaughter and I compromised. I would take her to nursery to play with her friends after dropping my daughter at school at 9.15am then would pick her up before collecting my daughter from school at 3.15. Shorten her time at nursery but conform to the rules set down by the Ayatollah!
We still felt that as I was at home, there was really no need for her to be at nursery especially during school holiday time, so by February 2004, my husband decided what he thought was best for his daughter and so during the summer holidays, while she was spending the few days with us, she would stop going altogether. I managed to secure a small job at my daughter's school just before the Easter holiday of 2004 looking after an Autistic child.
A few days before I was due to start work, my husband received a telephone call from his ex wife, to say she had decided he could take their daughter out of nursery meaning she would be at home full time with me. This is the result we had been striving for, but I had a new job to start so the arrangement instantly became a problem. At this point my husband told me that I should inform the school I no longer was able to take the position. He and his ex wife were arranging my life to look after their child and suddenly this was no longer fair. My husband was now consorting with his ex wife and I wasn't having any of it, so I decided to pay her a visit and suggest to her that as it had taken so long for her to decide what was best for her daughter, I had accepted a position at my daughters school so removing their child from nursery, during the school week, was no longer an option. Did I make the mistake of my life.
According to my husband, his ex wife had stated I had cast the first stone and this comment would rise up and bite me on the butt again and again. There was never any intention to embark in a showdown while standing on her front doorstep. I merely wanted to explain that neither she nor my husband were going to dictate how I led my life and I certainly wasn't going to sit and wait to have my future planned out between them. I understand she felt challenged as I don't think I would have been too pleased if my ex husband's new partner appeared on my doorstep, but I felt justified in my actions. She could try to control and manipulate my husband's life, but she certainly wasn't going to do it with mine. Did becoming a second wife mean loosing total control over my own life and having to accept under no circumstances am I to engage with my husband's ex wife for fear of the consequences my husband may suffer?
At this time my stepdaughter was an only child and enjoyed the company with my own daughter especially after school and holidays. My daughter loves horses and took up riding, as with many younger siblings, my stepdaughter, liking the thought of riding herself, followed suit. Her mother arranged different lessons to those of my daughter but as my daughter was keen to be around horses whenever she could, she was able to help my stepdaughter with her own lesson. Suddenly the riding came to an abrupt end and my stepdaughter was enrolled in swimming classes instead. It was becoming obvious that her mother did not want my daughter interacting with her own child out of designated contact time.
I still was having problems understanding what hang up my husband's ex wife had. I felt my husband had to conform to anything and everything his ex wife threw at him. After all, she took his daughter away from him, left him with a few days contact, and would dictate how those days were spent. She had him over a barrel and didn't she know it. She used his love for their daughter as a bargaining tool. She played him like a fiddle and he danced her every tune whether through guilt, grief or the possible effect it may have had on his daughter, or worst of all, total loss of contact from his child altogether.
The prospect of having to fight for custody through court had often entered his head, so by conforming to her constant wishes, in his eyes, he would hope that any judge would see him as accommodating rather than an obstructive parent who was trying to make things difficult. All my husband endeavoured to do was consider his child and the effect a confrontational situation with his ex wife would have on the relationship with his daughter.
I first noticed the change in my stepdaughter's behaviour towards me February 2004. Small things at first like not saying hello when she arrived or goodnight when she went to bed. On one occasion, she and my own daughter were playing in the front garden during the Easter break. I had locked the front door as the back door was open and the draft was like a being in a wind tunnel causing the doors in the downstairs rooms to slam shut.
Both girls were aware of this but while I was on the telephone, my stepdaughter came knocking on the front door. I gestured for her to go around to the back but she just looked at me whilst holding herself dancing on the front step. She eventually disappeared to the back of the house, came through the lounge passing me, then disappeared upstairs. After a short time she came back downstairs and passed me once again without saying a word. I was however, flashed and exceptionally filthy look. Later that evening, she told my husband that I hadn't let her in when she needed the toilet and I had caused her to wet her knickers.
I was full of mixed feelings when my husband relayed what had been said. At first I was angry and annoyed but this quickly changed to upset and confusion, after all, I was the one who, when she had little accidents and was worried about telling her daddy, would change her knickers and tell her it was ok. Between her mummy and daddy, they seemed to expect a four year-old to be out of the habit of having little accidents but sometimes kids get so engrossed in what they are doing, they leave it too late and accidents happen. I did feel there was some degree of disbelief from my husband towards me after all; he would want to believe his child wouldn't he?
Then the unpleasant stares started. I was suffering with a terrible kidney infection and while quite poorly laid on the couch, my stepdaughter came into the lounge, sat in the opposite chair and flashed me the most disgusting look . I felt so uncomfortable and there was nothing I could do. These glares lasted for the duration of her stay.
My stepdaughter began asking my own daughter to do things for her, anything to avoid talking to me directly. If I was in a room and she came in, she turned around and walked out. It was apparent there was a problem but I had no clue to what it was.
One afternoon it became too much for me and I was reduced to tears. I was desperate to uncover the reason behind her seemingly overnight change of character but asking her simply resorted repetitive ignorance, so I sent her upstairs to her bedroom. Blubbering like a child myself, I followed her upstairs and asked what I had done to cause her to treat me this way. She was sat on her bed, feet tucked underneath her, staring out of the window and eventually the reply that came astounded me. She told me that her mother had told her she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't want to because she didn't know me very well. We had been living here for nearly a year and had spent half of the week and most weekends in each others company. Surely this had been plenty of time to get to know me. The problem seemingly lay with her mother.
On my husbands return from work, when I told him what had happened and he asked his daughter what was going on, she told him she had made it up. Her mother had never said anything. So what were the reasons? I still don't know. All I know is that this child was four years old and was being very cruel. I understand the need to lie about what she had said as she didn't want to get her mummy into trouble. What a burden for a small child to endure. This behaviour has lasted for over two years, well into her sixth year of age.
Diary entry.
May 8th 2005
The dizzy spells are back, this time with deafness and some shaking. I feel I’m on a downward spiral again. The events over the past few weekends, along with my son's troubles, are taking their toll on me and I’m loosing the plot. You’ve asked me what is causing this, but how do I answer you. I miss you terribly. In the beginning, it was always us. We were the most important people to each other. Now us seems to have taken a back seat. The kids, your job, us being tired, now no time for us anymore, especially showing each other.
My weekends I look forward to are tainted with the arrival of your daughter, so our time there has also gone. It’s hard for me to tell you what’s really on my mind, or why the dizziness is back. The fact is, I know the symptoms and the causes. The cause before was my ex husband. He walked in a room, I walked out. The cause now I feel is your daughter. I don’t want to be around her. My life is good during the week. I can cope with you being tired, or going out after work. I just find it hard to look forward to weekends.
As a housewife and in the fortunate position to not need a second income, I was at home all day, so it became obvious to allow my stepdaughter to stay at home with me rather taking his daughter to nursery from 8am till 5pm. I enjoyed our time together as she loved baking with me or painting and drawing, sometimes just to sit and watch a film together. We started to enjoy Harry Potter so would park ourselves on the sofa, have a cuddle and devour a packet of crisps. It was her fist experience of the film but she had known all about the magic. When I shopped for things for my own daughter, I immediately thought of my stepdaughter, so I would shop for her too.
Clothes I purchased were at my expense, not her fathers. I loved buying little dresses for her as she was often in trousers, so to catch a glimpse of her lifting the bottom of her dress and twirling around like a princess, filled me with a sense of happiness and joy. I was delighted she was pleased and when arriving for her stay would shout," can I change into my dress?" These were the sorts of things I did with my children so my actions towards my stepdaughter were not false or pretend. So to set off shopping together for clothes and then call into a cafe for a plate of chips seemed much more fun than going to nursery. After all, from Wednesday onwards, she would be back at nursery because her mother would be at work and this was her routine.
This is when my husband received the telephone call. Why was their daughter not at nursery? His ex wife wanted to know where she was and made it clear she wanted her child back at nursery. Their daughter was with daddy on his half of the week and perfectly safe in his care, so why did she need to know what was happening while he had his own daughter? My husband never interfered with the arrangement of his child when she was with her mother, he would have been told to mind his own business, and it was apparent that her new partner often looked after my stepdaughter when he was on his own. My husband was expected to trust his ex wife's judgement when she found a new partner who would be involved in his child's life, why was she adamant in not trusting his own judgement when he found me? Being alone with me was obviously a problem for her, so to keep the peace, I took my stepdaughter back to nursery.
At this point the tummy aches started. You know the kind that come on with the kids before a school test, or just the thought of school altogether. I didn't want to tell my stepdaughter that mummy insisted she went, that wouldn't be fair, so my stepdaughter and I compromised. I would take her to nursery to play with her friends after dropping my daughter at school at 9.15am then would pick her up before collecting my daughter from school at 3.15. Shorten her time at nursery but conform to the rules set down by the Ayatollah!
We still felt that as I was at home, there was really no need for her to be at nursery especially during school holiday time, so by February 2004, my husband decided what he thought was best for his daughter and so during the summer holidays, while she was spending the few days with us, she would stop going altogether. I managed to secure a small job at my daughter's school just before the Easter holiday of 2004 looking after an Autistic child.
A few days before I was due to start work, my husband received a telephone call from his ex wife, to say she had decided he could take their daughter out of nursery meaning she would be at home full time with me. This is the result we had been striving for, but I had a new job to start so the arrangement instantly became a problem. At this point my husband told me that I should inform the school I no longer was able to take the position. He and his ex wife were arranging my life to look after their child and suddenly this was no longer fair. My husband was now consorting with his ex wife and I wasn't having any of it, so I decided to pay her a visit and suggest to her that as it had taken so long for her to decide what was best for her daughter, I had accepted a position at my daughters school so removing their child from nursery, during the school week, was no longer an option. Did I make the mistake of my life.
According to my husband, his ex wife had stated I had cast the first stone and this comment would rise up and bite me on the butt again and again. There was never any intention to embark in a showdown while standing on her front doorstep. I merely wanted to explain that neither she nor my husband were going to dictate how I led my life and I certainly wasn't going to sit and wait to have my future planned out between them. I understand she felt challenged as I don't think I would have been too pleased if my ex husband's new partner appeared on my doorstep, but I felt justified in my actions. She could try to control and manipulate my husband's life, but she certainly wasn't going to do it with mine. Did becoming a second wife mean loosing total control over my own life and having to accept under no circumstances am I to engage with my husband's ex wife for fear of the consequences my husband may suffer?
At this time my stepdaughter was an only child and enjoyed the company with my own daughter especially after school and holidays. My daughter loves horses and took up riding, as with many younger siblings, my stepdaughter, liking the thought of riding herself, followed suit. Her mother arranged different lessons to those of my daughter but as my daughter was keen to be around horses whenever she could, she was able to help my stepdaughter with her own lesson. Suddenly the riding came to an abrupt end and my stepdaughter was enrolled in swimming classes instead. It was becoming obvious that her mother did not want my daughter interacting with her own child out of designated contact time.
I still was having problems understanding what hang up my husband's ex wife had. I felt my husband had to conform to anything and everything his ex wife threw at him. After all, she took his daughter away from him, left him with a few days contact, and would dictate how those days were spent. She had him over a barrel and didn't she know it. She used his love for their daughter as a bargaining tool. She played him like a fiddle and he danced her every tune whether through guilt, grief or the possible effect it may have had on his daughter, or worst of all, total loss of contact from his child altogether.
The prospect of having to fight for custody through court had often entered his head, so by conforming to her constant wishes, in his eyes, he would hope that any judge would see him as accommodating rather than an obstructive parent who was trying to make things difficult. All my husband endeavoured to do was consider his child and the effect a confrontational situation with his ex wife would have on the relationship with his daughter.
I first noticed the change in my stepdaughter's behaviour towards me February 2004. Small things at first like not saying hello when she arrived or goodnight when she went to bed. On one occasion, she and my own daughter were playing in the front garden during the Easter break. I had locked the front door as the back door was open and the draft was like a being in a wind tunnel causing the doors in the downstairs rooms to slam shut.
Both girls were aware of this but while I was on the telephone, my stepdaughter came knocking on the front door. I gestured for her to go around to the back but she just looked at me whilst holding herself dancing on the front step. She eventually disappeared to the back of the house, came through the lounge passing me, then disappeared upstairs. After a short time she came back downstairs and passed me once again without saying a word. I was however, flashed and exceptionally filthy look. Later that evening, she told my husband that I hadn't let her in when she needed the toilet and I had caused her to wet her knickers.
I was full of mixed feelings when my husband relayed what had been said. At first I was angry and annoyed but this quickly changed to upset and confusion, after all, I was the one who, when she had little accidents and was worried about telling her daddy, would change her knickers and tell her it was ok. Between her mummy and daddy, they seemed to expect a four year-old to be out of the habit of having little accidents but sometimes kids get so engrossed in what they are doing, they leave it too late and accidents happen. I did feel there was some degree of disbelief from my husband towards me after all; he would want to believe his child wouldn't he?
Then the unpleasant stares started. I was suffering with a terrible kidney infection and while quite poorly laid on the couch, my stepdaughter came into the lounge, sat in the opposite chair and flashed me the most disgusting look . I felt so uncomfortable and there was nothing I could do. These glares lasted for the duration of her stay.
My stepdaughter began asking my own daughter to do things for her, anything to avoid talking to me directly. If I was in a room and she came in, she turned around and walked out. It was apparent there was a problem but I had no clue to what it was.
One afternoon it became too much for me and I was reduced to tears. I was desperate to uncover the reason behind her seemingly overnight change of character but asking her simply resorted repetitive ignorance, so I sent her upstairs to her bedroom. Blubbering like a child myself, I followed her upstairs and asked what I had done to cause her to treat me this way. She was sat on her bed, feet tucked underneath her, staring out of the window and eventually the reply that came astounded me. She told me that her mother had told her she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't want to because she didn't know me very well. We had been living here for nearly a year and had spent half of the week and most weekends in each others company. Surely this had been plenty of time to get to know me. The problem seemingly lay with her mother.
On my husbands return from work, when I told him what had happened and he asked his daughter what was going on, she told him she had made it up. Her mother had never said anything. So what were the reasons? I still don't know. All I know is that this child was four years old and was being very cruel. I understand the need to lie about what she had said as she didn't want to get her mummy into trouble. What a burden for a small child to endure. This behaviour has lasted for over two years, well into her sixth year of age.
Diary entry.
May 8th 2005
The dizzy spells are back, this time with deafness and some shaking. I feel I’m on a downward spiral again. The events over the past few weekends, along with my son's troubles, are taking their toll on me and I’m loosing the plot. You’ve asked me what is causing this, but how do I answer you. I miss you terribly. In the beginning, it was always us. We were the most important people to each other. Now us seems to have taken a back seat. The kids, your job, us being tired, now no time for us anymore, especially showing each other.
My weekends I look forward to are tainted with the arrival of your daughter, so our time there has also gone. It’s hard for me to tell you what’s really on my mind, or why the dizziness is back. The fact is, I know the symptoms and the causes. The cause before was my ex husband. He walked in a room, I walked out. The cause now I feel is your daughter. I don’t want to be around her. My life is good during the week. I can cope with you being tired, or going out after work. I just find it hard to look forward to weekends.
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