Saturday, 21 July 2007

All alone am I

It is hard watching my husband leave once a fortnight to visit his daughter, I cannot deny that. After his first meeting with her he told me all she could talk about was me. I find this hard to believe as she doesn't want to see me. Perhaps she is paying lip service to her father, I'll talk about her, so daddy won't dislike me or see me as bad for not wanting to see his wife. I don't know what goes through her mind. It could even be, the truth is, she does dislike me, it isn't anything to do with her mother at all, but had her mother not told me to my face I was nothing to do with her daughter, I feel this is more the reason.

So I watch my husband get ready for another visit. I sit at home and wait for his return, with the aroma of his Armani aftershave still lingering beneath my nose. I wait while he treats his daughter to Pizza Hut, or walks in the park. At this time I cannot bury my feelings that once again she has triumphed in dividing my family. She now has what she wants, daddy to herself and she is rewarded for her behaviour. It is raining today so what will my husband find to do with his daughter? I have suggested wellies and a raincoat. Perhaps it is time to get tough and talk to her about joining our family again.

It has been suggested I read Divorce Poison - Richard Warshak. I will borrow this
from the library.

For goodness sake, it's 2 hours a fortnight and I have him 24/7, but it is the family divide I despair with. My children have never tried to separate me from my husband. I wouldn't allow it. We come as a package. They know my husband is important to me, but they are reassured they are important to me too and the bottom line is they get on well with their step father. They understand the situation and why we are here. They are constantly supported by my husband and myself and when my daughter visits her father, the visits are again supported. I don’t speak badly of her dad or his girlfriend so there is no need for my children to feel guilty about getting along with her, I actually encourage it.

I have made a chocolate cake for my daughter. She left Primary school yesterday to move onto to secondary school. I have written 'Well done end of year 6' on the top.
I have cut a small piece and wrapped it up for my husband to give his daughter. We have had a minor discussion this morning about the situation. He feels guilty for leaving us but feels, his ex wife behaving the way she has, he just wants to keep the conflict away from the house. Any more and we feel our marriage will be over. We have questioned, sought help, argued for too long. He believes, while his ex wife remains in his daughters life, there will never be a resolution and he is tired of trying. It's not because he doesn't love his child, that has never been the issue, but 4 years of conflict? How many more? When can we begin to be husband and wife? When can we begin to be happy parents to our own children? When will the tug of war and heartache stop?

I have tried to be a friend to my step daughter, I have sent her home with positive thoughts, never slandered her mother in her company, always tried to be positive, but to no avail. For her last birthday I sent a card and bought a silver chain with a little ballerina on it just from me. I'm not evil or nasty but I confuse myself. One minute feeling nothing but contempt, the next, feelings of pity and yearnings for my step daughter to be included once again. I honestly do not want my stepdaughter, this young child of 7, to grow up confused or bitter. It's no wonder I confuse my husband too!


Sarah said...

I think this is an extremely positive step. Well done for encouraging your husband to be bold enough to do a school visit. It is annoying that you cannot be part of this now but I am sure with time you will be able to get your relationship back on track with your step-daughter. In my opinion it is categorically not her fault that she behaves in this way: At 7 she is so influenced by her mother. This is now clear having heard from her that her daughter no longer cared for her father. I sincerely believe it is within you and your husband's power to get this little girl back into the family life you want. It will just take time, a lot of patience and a few tactics!!

mum23 said...

Thanks Sarah. For me, I feel totally exhausted with the whole thing. For the past 4 years I seem to be the one who is trying so hard. Therepy, health visitors, contacting school, books on trying to understand and be sympathetic to the ex wife. What is she doing? Sabotaging her daughters relationship with daddys wife. It is me who is making the effort to understand and put right what the ex wife is doing wrong. Our marriage at the moment is all about my step daughter. I have little strength left to be a mother to my own children, the attention is focused purely on my step daughter and I'm tired of it.
I just want to be a mum and a wife. I'm tired of games and tactics and I know my husband is too. I am afraid my step daughter will be lost to her mothers influence and cannot be saved.