Friday, 6 July 2007

"I'm over you daddy!"

So once again, my husband contacts his ex wife to request in seeing his daughter and maybe take her out for tea. Her response? " it’s taken a while for you to call!" The response of my husband? " You were supposed to get back to me, what do you want me to do, keep calling you every five minutes?" He had spoken to his ex wife two weeks ago asking to see his daughter but she had told him. "You have caught me on the hop.
I'll have to think about it and let you know."

Perhaps this is what she does want. She needs my husband to be constantly contacting her; after all, their daughter is the only route of contact she has with him. And why does she keep bringing up how happy she is? Why does she feel she needs to convey this to my husband? Who is she trying to convince? He kept the conversation to the point and was eventually told that his ex wife would talk to their daughter to see how she felt.

He was graced with a return call, but I assume this was simply to gloat by telling him their daughter did not want to see him again, ever. She no longer missed him and didn't need him in her life. She had the odd bad day but that was it. Nothing else. She had told her mother, "Perhaps when I am ten and I don't cry so much I can see him again."

I'm confused. If my stepdaughter is over her daddy, why is she still crying?
Does his ex wife get some sick satisfaction when delivering this cruel message? Does she need to punish my husband for moving on with his life when she wasn't quite ready for him to do this? Speculation on my part? Of course..
At seven his daughter has no perception of what ‘never seeing daddy again’ means. I doubt she has any concept of time never mind weeks, months, years. To her it will just seem like a long time. Children don’t fully understand the sadness and loss they feel, and rarely have the ability to express or communicate their emotions; therefore it must be his ex wife that is putting words into his daughter’s mouth.

There is no doubt my step daughter will be feeling sadness. It won’t be okay for her to show this sadness to her mother, and I doubt she will be allowed to even mention her daddy without looks of disapproval and annoyance. To avoid her mother being like this she will hide her true feelings at home and be what she thinks her mother wants her to be by showing dislike towards her daddy. It is all very distressing to manipulate and brainwash children in this way but that’s exactly what parental alienation is. In my stepdaughters mind if she doesn’t do what mummy wants her to do, she may lose mummy too and heart-rending as it is, her mummy is her only source of security right now, much like my ex husband is to my son.

Then there’s unconditional love. Even if my husband’s daughter has an awareness of what her mummy is doing doesn’t seem right somehow, she will deny this to herself because she loves her mummy. She loves daddy too, but mummy has possibly told her so many untruths about daddy or his new family, but feeling totally justified in doing this, out of her need to protect her daughter. This conduct will totally confuse my stepdaughter, so no wonder when she’s at school, she is pining for him. It is the teachers that are aware of how she is feeling unlike her own mother. So whom do we believe? My husband’s daughter saying she is over her daddy, his ex wife in relaying this message, or the teacher? Personally I would have to believe the teacher, after all, she is the independent individual who has no emotional involvement, and in the classroom is where my stepdaughter can be completely free and express herself accordingly. That of missing her daddy!

What confuses me is his ex wife told him that their daughter was "over" him was quite happy to change her name and call her stepfather daddy. How can a seven-year-old child be over a parent? I am in my forties and even after how my father has treated me, I shall never be "over" him. I don't like the man but I miss my dad. I love him, and would welcome contact from him. When my husband reminded his ex wife of the conversation he had with his daughter’s teacher suggesting that his daughter quite plainly missed him, she replied, " Our daughter is finding the school annoying. She is angry that they keep ramming you down her throat."

My Husband received a telephone call from the Headmistress at his daughter’s school. His ex wife had written to the school signifying her own disapproval at how the school are involving themselves in a matter that "really doesn't concern them." The Head teacher told him how very clever the letter had been written, and on conversations with my husband’s daughter, it was very apparent that quite plainly, words had definitely been put into her mouth. At last! Someone who is not emotionally involved can see my husbands ex wife for what she really is. If she does not want what is best for her own daughter, my husband, the school and myself do.

The school have an obligation for the welfare of their students. If my stepdaughter’s behaviour should become cause for concern, then it must be dealt with, not only for her own well-being, but also for that of the other children she shares the classroom with.

So what options are left to us, to back off a little? My husbands ex wife knows how much he wants to see his daughter, she's not stupid in coming to this conclusion herself, but she's told him "No." Therefore he must leave her with the consequences of her decision. She will have to endure her daughter’s sadness that she herself has caused. It will affect her daughter’s schoolwork as it has already. But sadly, things must get worse before they get better, so my husband and I have to put our faith in knowing, for the time being, it is for the best. This action puts the ball firmly in my husbands ex wife's court.

We shall not ignore Christmas or Birthdays and my husband will continue to send his little notes to his daughter. He will not give his ex wife any more attention in asking her to see his daughter. He never stood a chance did he?
So on a last comment he asked that he could drop his daughters Christmas presents to her. On this request his ex wife told him," We can arrange to exchange them somewhere, as I don't want our daughter upset." Why is she trying to keep my husband away from his child? If his child were truly over him, why would she be upset when seeing him?

In my honest opinion I think it is my husbands ex wife who is trying to convince herself that it is in fact she who is not over her ex husband, my husband. The constant reminders of, "I am happy. I have moved on."
I myself am very happy but it is something I have never conveyed to my ex husband. What is the point? If I needed to keep telling him this, perhaps it would be because deep down, I was not. My husband is also very happy. We have a beautiful home. I have a wonderful, loving husband and he, in me, a loving wife but most important, a beautiful family. The only thing that is missing is his daughter, my stepdaughter and she is something that both of us will never be over especially my husband.

So all that remains is what my husband does now. Should he once again, adhere to his ex wives request and stay well away from his daughter so as not to upset her, or does he bulldoze in with no regard to his daughter or ex wife's request and feelings, simply to fulfil his own needs to see his daughter? By doing the latter, he could potentially upset his daughter if her request not to see him was true. To expect her to convey to him that she doesn't want to see him is far too much to expect a seven-year-old child to do. It would be heartbreaking for both himself and that of his daughter. So it looks as though, once again, his ex wife has her way, and again my husband has put his daughter and her feelings to the forefront of his own. He doesn't want his daughter to get into trouble with her mother by showing her love for him. It takes a big man to do that, which is why I adore him.

We have requested school reports and the school have sent a photo to us. We are constantly updated, on our request, for newsletters and forthcoming school events. Her drawings and keepsakes are safe in a box to be cherished, as are my own children's.
We must try not to see it as his ex wife once again having her own way, being in
control, as it will eat us away through the pain and grief. What we must take comfort in, is believing that one day this will come back to haunt her and she will not escape the consequences of making such immoral and wrong decisions so affecting her own daughters childhood. I cannot imagine how that must feel as a mother, to knowingly do this. So hopefully there will come a day that she cannot justify her actions and my husband’s daughter, will be old enough to know better. My husbands ex wife may have control just now, but one day my stepdaughter, my dear husbands daughter, willhave her own voice.

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