Wednesday, 25 July 2007

In need of support.

The sky is a pale shade of blue today. Not a cloud in sight. It makes a change from the grey skies and persistent rain we have suffered for most part of July. It almost feels like an October morning with heavy dew trading places with early Autumns frost covering the grass. The sun is low in the sky but I can already feel its warmth through the window. It's going to be a beautiful day., I just hope it will last. The branches of my cherry tree sway rhythmically, ruffled by the gentle breeze but I think it is warm enough to go without a jacket. Perhaps I am in need of a walk to clear some cobwebs. I'm sure my two year old will enjoy the trip out. Yesterday we were stuck in the house all day due to the weather. Perhaps a walk along the canal is just what I need.
I have become more involved once again with the on-line step family forums. Even though my step daughter wants no involvement with me, I still feel this should be resolved. I cannot do it alone. Perhaps I need the reassurance I am right, I have done everything possible to resolve the situation and there is nothing more that can be done.

Looking at Divorce Poison, I personally cannot see there is any way the damaged relationship between my step daughter and I can be repaired. If it can, it is going to be a long process with much work and I feel I have little strength to pour into the challenge. I am already consumed with the whole situation and it is an emotion that is wasted. My energy should be directed towards my own children and my husband, but they have constantly taken a back seat. They don't seem to be high on my list of priorities when in actual fact, they should be way on top!
Firstly, we cannot even be sure my husbands ex wife is behind my step daughters behaviour at all. Divorce Poison shows how I can counteract the behaviour of my husbands ex wife and her comments about me by not allowing her negative thoughts to penetrate and remain inside my step daughter allowing them to fester or become believable lies. I read this snippet from Divorce Poison. It makes perfect sense.

We all hate mud slinging in political campaigns, but it always seems to happen. Each candidate is attempting to convince the voters that they are the best person for the job. They usually start out just talking about why they are a good candidate, but before long they give into the temptation to start talking about why they think the other candidate is not good for the job. They work to convince the voters that there is nothing good about their opponent. Even if the opponent has done something good, or has a good idea, they will attempt to discredit or find fault with the other's ideas and actions. They don't even have to tell lies. All they have to do is exaggerate negative points while minimizing positive points.
Regardless of the election's outcome, we are all relieved that the smear campaigns are finally over. Unfortunately there will occasionally be a looser who can't accept his loss, and will continue the mudslinging long after the election is over.

Ideally, when one candidate begins mudslinging, the other candidate should be "the better man", and not let his campaign sink to that level. Unfortunately, not fighting back or responding to the other candidate's attempts to ruin his reputation can backfire. Not responding to an accusation actually gives credit to it. Without any information to counter the false or misleading information given to them, the voters and general public begin to believe the bad remarks. If the smear campaigning goes on long enough, the negative images of the candidate can crowd out any positive images in the voters' minds. The voters will begin to have negative feelings about the candidate.

The problem I have is that my stepdaughter has never actually said, "my mum said this." The only three points I can actually say have happened are the incident where my stepdaughter said "mummy says I don't have to talk to you," the head lice incident, "you don't know what you are talking about," or the birthday party in which my stepdaughter told us "mummy doesn't want my friends to come to your house." My stepdaughters mother appears to have been very clever in her "mud slinging campaign." So how can I counteract this? How can I or my husband plant positive thoughts in my stepdaughters head when I have no idea what is being said to her?
When my husband spends time with his child, he doesn't talk about me or the children. He says there is no point. He doesn't want to rake up the last 4 years, he just wants to talk to her about trivial things like school. So I am at a loss. If I cannot counter attack the mud slinging, and my husband does not either, whatever is inside of my stepdaughter's head regarding her feelings for me, remain there.

I suggested she came to the ball pit with us last Saturday afternoon to which she replied, without any prompting from her mother, "Can we leave Leigh at home?" Oh yes she wanted the fun, but I was not allowed to be part of it. My husbands reply? "That isn't very nice is it?" I think he is finally accepting that everything that comes out of his daughter's mouth regarding his wife, is not always instigated by her mother.

My defences are up concerning my own daughter. My husbands ex had suggested her daughter felt bullied by my own child. The little discussions my husband has while he visits his daughter about myself or my eldest daughter are annoying. My husband hasn't been specific with his information and it infuriates me. Once again I cannot defend myself or my daughter. I wonder if my husband does on our behalf, I doubt it. My daughter does not deserve the comments made by my stepdaughter, and this results in her wanting to spend time with her own father. This creates the feeling that my stepdaughter has caused my child to want to spend time away from us. Some relief from our now dysfunctional family. I really do despise my step daughter, and I don't like that quality in myself.

Perhaps it is time for me to let go but I feel the moment I stop caring about the situation, the moment I can wake up on a morning and not care about how this is affecting our lives, the moment I can stop caring how my step daughter will turn out, or she doesn't want to see me. So the moment I stop caring would make me feel I've given up. Given up on my husband and I love him too much to do that. Once again I feel completely torn. If I give up caring, not showing an interest, watch my husband leave to visit his daughter and not care, I will be accused of not supporting my him. But the truth is I don't care about my step daughter. I care about my husband and the affect the situation is having on my own children. My 11 year old is "used to hearing her mum and step dad's heated discussions about why their life has not turned out how it should have," and a 2 year old who will ask me, "are you ok mummy?" This is why I am so annoyed with my stepdaughter and her mother. The effect they are continually having on my and my children's lives and the fact they are probably oblivious to it!


Anonymous said...

2 years since your post, and I only just found a person who truly understands what I am going through!
Please contact me - I want to know if there is a happy ending or not?

Anonymous said...

Wow thought i was alone please e mail at could really use some advise !! And wondering how u and your family are doing ??